Dichotomy

Currently, I own a white 1997 F150 pickup. It’s basic in every sense of the word. It’s a 5 speed that boasts powerless locks, powerless windows and one un-inclinable bench seat.  The paint is fading in numerous places, the tint on the back window is failing and the stereo system could best be described as archaic. I absolutely love this truck.

Up till now the truck has been fantastic, no issues to speak of. Trucks (especially old ones) are great. They don’t need to be cleaned regularly, look good somewhat messy, and have a built in open faced garage some call “the bed”. However, recently this glorious vehicle’s impeccable veneer has begun to wane. The past few months have required numerous trips to my local mechanic (more on him in a sec). A failing clutch and an inability to start consistently, the main culprits. This is frustrating for two reasons. The first is the sinking suspicion that at some point in the not too distant future I’m going to have to purchase a new vehicle.  Secondly, and more problematically, it reveals an enormous flaw in my emerging sense of manhood. I know nothing and I mean nothing about motor vehicles and how they work.

Although I’m happy to shoulder some of this blame, in my defense, it’s not my fault. Growing up my Dad and my Step-Dad fulfilled two very important “male” stereotypes: sports knowledge and mechanical knowledge respectively. My Dad has some ability to discuss how to fix certain things, but is much more comfortable discussing the benefits of a Cover 2 over Man when attempting to stop a mobile quarterback. 

My Step-Dad is much the opposite, he knows the ins and outs of most sports but is better versed in the history of various engines than that of storied sports franchises.  Growing up in this dichotomy was beneficial, I learned about both, but naturally I gravitated towards sports. It should come as no surprise that I found participating in or watching sports on TV infinitely more exciting than trying to change the brakes on the family vehicle.

Unfortunately I have a sinking suspicion that perhaps I chose poorly. I’m well versed in all manners of the sports lexicon but am clueless about how vehicles actually work. My treasure chest of trivial sports knowledge is helpful on Sunday afternoons but useless 95% of the time. To complicate matters my opportunity to form a foundation of car maintenance competency has long since sailed away. This leaves me at the whim of asking others for help. I currently have two options: My family’s personal “pep boy” (AKA my Step Dad) or my local mechanic.

In my step dad’s defense he did his best to teach me and my brethren the basics of vehicle maintenance, sadly it didn’t take. Honestly, the guy deserves a medal. My brothers and I are full-grown and still call him at the earliest sign of car distress. He’s dropped his evening plans twice this past week to lend me (a 27 year old) a helping hand. It’s no secret he longs for me to move far enough away to make him completely unavailable for emergency car help. Part of the problem is the vast knowledge gap that exists between us. He’s operating on completely different plane. 

 Even his name speaks to his abnormal ability. Ironically his Christian name is Todd, but he’s more commonly known as “Tim” a nickname I gave him when he joined our family. At the time “Home Improvement” was a popular show, which prominently featured comical opportunities to fix stuff. 

Now fans of this show will point out that in the show “Tim” (Tim Allen) didn’t actually fix the issues, but instead, consistently created them. I admit, in reality, a more appropriate nickname would have been “Al”.  But that guy was a square, and I wasn’t going to give my new Step Dad a bush league moniker. His acumen isn’t just reserved for our family; this dude receives phone calls from my friends for help and even his peers consistently call for advice. 

When I do end up helping him fix my car we each have well defined roles that we execute flawlessly. He diagnosis the issue comes up with solution and proceeds to make it happen. I specialize in well-timed and topical sarcastic remarks and flawless flashlight operation.

Whenever I do have a problem the majority of our phone related phone calls operate along the following script, loosely based on the two most recent SOS calls.

Me: Hey, I’m having car trouble…..

Him: What’s the problem?

Me: My truck won’t start.

Him: Does it turn over?

Me: I don’t know what that means….

Him: (Sigh) does it almost start? Or does it just kind of do a “click, click, click” noise?

Me: Oh it does the almost starting thing. Like it gets 95% of the way but doesn’t make it.

Him: Ok, pop the hood and find your spark plugs.

Me: Umm, what do they look like??

Him: (Sigh) Todd, you need to learn these kinds of things…. (Another sigh, dripping with definite signs of frustration) Where are you??

Me: My apartment

Him: I’m on my way. See you in 15

Me: Sorry about that, thanks…

At this point he’s unintentionally made me feel completely emasculated and I start contemplating my manhood in general. Unfortunately, besides having a full time job and living 6 miles from my parents’ house, there’s not a whole lot pointing towards my ability to be self-sufficient. Sometimes I feel like I need to remind him of my worth by dropping a bloody bird carcass on his doorstep like a young Labrador.

If he can’t fix my car I take my car to my mechanic. He’s an uncouth man named Mike, who lives nearby, and runs an “auto shop” out of a detached garage at the back of his property. Now I can call him my mechanic because, well he is. Between my family and I we have taken 4 cars to his “shop”, and we don’t take them anywhere else. We trust him implicitly because he’s earned it. I’ll spare you the paragraph on the importance of finding a mechanic you can trust. Seinfeld and Putty did that well enough.

Back to Mike, I mentioned uncouth, and I don’t use that word lightly. He’s literally the most vulgar man I’ve ever been around. And since between my family and I, we’ve been to his shop about 15 times I’ve had plenty of interaction with him.

Mike has a short, slender build that even the most generous would hesitate to describe as athletic. His attire is consistent as his work. Unkept pepper colored hair with a 2-day-old beard and thin wire frame glasses. His pants and shirt (with or without sleeves) typically revolve around one pattern: camo.  He lives at the end of a one street neighborhood with a house and garage that sit on a one-acre lot. His house is plain and non descript, his garage / auto shop is obviously the main attraction of the property. It’s a metal rectangle the size of a two-car garage.  The left half of the inside looks like your typical mechanical shop. Tools big and small have their specific place lining the perimeter, and a large jack like apparatus is available to life vehicles off their wheels. The right half, provides more room for tools and cars, but really functions as a man cave. This includes a full size couch, projection screen with satellite television and a fridge full of beer. The decorations are modest and extremely country, fishing poles and various taxidermy animals.

To acquire Mike the Mechanic’s services you must set an appointment. It’s simple, you call Mike and ask if he is available to work on your vehicle. Typically his answer is yes, on more than one occasion his answer has been no. This is because Mike is in the weeds, not in the “really busy” sense of the word, but literally because he’s probably standing in weeds. Mike likes to go fishing, and to hunt, if he has to miss business, well that a sacrifice he’s willing to make.

The fist time I met Mike I approached him intent on describing the issue with my truck. Instead he started the conversation by casually mentioning to me that he was currently considering murdering his wife. Apparently she made him watch  “"Three's Company"” before bed, even though she knows he hates it. No worries though, I have seen his wife multiple times since that first encounter so I can happily report that his death threat was not fulfilled.

On my most recent call to Mike I was stranded at my local Kroger. I called Mike and asked him if he could give me a tip to help me get my truck started. I was expecting some solid mechanic advice. Instead, he told me to get a wrench and bang on the bottom of my gas tank really hard. So I climbed out of the cab, slid under by truck and proceeded to play “whack a mole” with what I believe is the bottom of my gas tank. Of course the truck didn’t start, but I did successfully get every person in the Kroger parking lot to stare at me. To top things off I was able to temporarily fix the issue when I received assistance from a middle aged lady. What's awesome about Mike is that he too has the ability to make me feel completely inadequate.

No worries though. I called Tim and when he arrived, he diagnosed the root of issue within 30 seconds, crisis averted. I had absolutely no oil. My response: A sly grin, shoulder shrug and a pretty meek….”whoops?”

One of these days I’m hoping that my years of acquiring sports knowledge will pay off. I like to imagine that I’ll happen upon a damsel in “sports distress” that is in desperate need of my expertise. Let’s get real though, that’s not going to happen. No worries I have a “plan B” too. Instead of being the damsel in “car distress” I'll be in the position to assist. I'll proceed to ask her if she needs help and promptly give Tim a call….  

Mr. Football

An extremely biased look at Mr.Jonathan (Johnny F’ing Football) Manziel the most over-hyped over-discussed story on ESPN since its inception. Or…. maybe since Brett Favre retired, and then un-retired, then retired again. At which point Tim Tebow’s college career literally controlled the media. This seemed insane until the Broncos drafted him. At which point the media was captivated by his ability start the last half of the 2011 season and win a playoff game. This of course was a huge deal till he was traded to the Jets as a special teamer and never saw the field. So in a perverse and twisted sense, maybe I’m glad that ESPN is obsessed with Johnny Football like a preteen female with One Direction. But in reality I’m not… in fact I cannot stand him.

Some famous philosopher once asserted that pure objectivity is impossible because every person brings feelings, ideas, memories, experiences etc. to the table. They form a prism, which distorts ones view on a subject. I happen to buy into this certain philosopher’s theory and in the case of my views on Manziel it could not be truer.

Growing up in Texas the vast majority (98% approximately) of young boys are fans of one of two teams: The University of Texas Longhorns or Texas A&M Aggies.

Of course some exceptions do exist. Some children are bastards of the north, transplanted in God’s country by their parents. These souls, rescued from the purgatory of the Midwest landscape might root for garbage like Ohio St, Michigan or some other Big Ten trash. A certain subset of this group is reserved for those who recognized how awful Oklahoma is, crossed the Red River and poisoned our state with their Okie allegiances.

On rare occasions a different Texas team might have a banner year and gain a “one-season” following. Texas Tech experienced this a few years ago. (Not many Tech #15 jerseys around anymore are there?). These “fair-weathered” fans are like puppy love. They are fleeting and typically infirm the young.

Finally a small group has parents who went to a school not located in Austin or College Station resulting in their kids being baptized into fandom of their alma mater by birth. These zealots are usually under the impression that their school will eventually be on par with the big boys. And although every once in a while our bell weather schools have downtrodden periods, these stepchildren universities of our great state usually remain second rate.

If one does not fall into any of these exceptions then they typically pull for one of these two schools. It’s only natural. For a growing sports fan their siren’s song of visibility, relative success, and abundance of fans is tough to resist. Now, I’m not saying that 98% of all children grow up and bleed either burnt orange or maroon, because that is not the case. But, I am saying that 98% of all children grow up at least preferring one of the two. I fall into this camp. Since birth I have preferred the university from Austin to that in College Station. This has given me a predisposition of distaste for everything related to Aggieland. To top it off I am lucky to be a graduate of Baylor University. ICYMI People at Baylor hate Texas A&M. It’s actually scary how much my fellow Bears detest everything associated with the Aggies. I’m not actually sure why this hatred runs so deep, but it does. Regardless, the hatred is palpable and my decision to receive a diploma from Jesus’ favorite University further allowed A&M hatred to saturate my consciousness….But back to the point

It should come as no surprise then that I absolutely cannot stand Johnny Football. It’s elementary really, in my opinion, everything about him is awful. Let’s break it down.

First, his name: Johnny Football or more accurately “Johnny F’n Football”. Apparently this name spawned from his high school exploits in Kerrville Texas. In related news, those in charge of assigning nicknames in Kerrville are devoid of creativity and the ability to generate G rated ideas. Maybe the problem was that I heard the name Johnny Football before I saw highlights of Johnny Football. I immediately hated the moniker and the fact that people constantly used it. ESPN shoulders much of this blame. They have the ability to latch onto a popular nickname and live off it like a leech. Jonathan Manziel didn’t stand a chance.

Second is his ability. Let’s get real; Manziel is a talented football player. Denying that is burying your head in the sand. Watching him kill the Sooners in the Cotton Bowl it was abundantly clear. He was better, and faster than anybody on the OU defense. He’s talented, but he’s overrated, he's a great college quarterback, but there are serious doubts about his NFL potential. He plays in a power football conference who wasn't used to a jitterbug QB. Don't believe me?  I'll give you 30 seconds to name one great quarterback from the SEC who's surname isn't Manning..... and time is up, you failed. Which brings me to a cross roads about the following paragraph….

(1) Write one full of information and statistics that proved my dedication to trivial sports knowledge and inability to craft a meaningful life.

(2)  Write a paragraph based solely on opinion.

What’s that?? You want option # 2….glad we could agree!!!

The dude won the Heisman partly because nobody else in college football was worth it last year. The other serious contenders were (1) AJ McCarron, who is most famous for an old geezer hitting on his girlfriend. (2) Manti Te’o who’s most famous for having a fake girlfriend, and (3) Collin Klein who apparently never kissed his girlfriend.

But who cares….

The main reason Johnny Football makes me want to punch babies is because he has the inability to choose. He speaks out of both sides of his mouth, and his life choices echo this stance (or lack thereof)

Johnny Football wants to leverage the spoils of his glory and fame when it benefits him and yet requests understanding because he’s frustrated that he’s treated differently. This past summer was a continual slideshow of his lavish party boy lifestyle. 

Floor seats at NBA Finals games, 

shooting music videos with hismodel girlfriend, 

pictures of him at a casino flashing money. 

Yet at the same time he bemoans his inability to live what he calls a “typical collegiate lifestyle” Repeatedly Manziel has stated that he is only 20 years old, and wants to do what a normal 20 year old would do. But that’s just it, he’s not normal by any stretch of the imagination. Not even close.

I was 20 once (7 years ago to be exact) and although that certainly feels like a lifetime ago I assure you I can remember it clearly. I was sophomore in college. I went to school for 15 hours a week, I worked for 15 hours a week and I found time to study, play basketball and hang with friends in between. Pretty typical. I was able to go out whenever I pleased, I was able to walk on campus without getting harassed, nobody took photos of me and I was never asked for my autograph. I was (and am) anonymous. 99.99% of my campus had no idea who I was. This is the life of a normal 20 year old.

Manziel is the starting quarterback of a SEC football team. He won the Heisman trophy. He was an Internet sensation. He was a highlight factory churning out results at full capacity. He became, and remains a folk hero. And don’t for a second think he didn’t enjoy the rise to fame. And yet now he complains that he can’t just be a normal college student. And he’s surprised by this?

You cannot enjoy hanging out with Drake and then complain about your popularity. Normal people don’t drive Benz’s bought by their family’s oil money. They don’t have personal assistants (or business managers), they don’t play quarterback. I know he wishes he could have both. That he could play quarterback, destroy the SEC, be a first round pick and also enjoy North Gate one time without getting harassed.

Guess what? I wish that I was 6’3” with a jumper and some hops, but I’m not. I wish that my parents had enough money where I could travel the world and never get a job, but I can’t. I wish the Chief Operating Officer of my company didn’t have your nickname as his personalized license plate. 

We all wish for something. If he wants to be normal tell him to quit the football team and work at New York Deli. My best friend did that during his time at College Station and he’s pretty dang normal. You know what his nickname is? Josh, because nobody cares what he does on a day-to-day basis.

You might think I’m railing on Mr. Football and maybe I am. Remember, I'm from Baylor, hating A&M is in my blood. But before you write this off as Green and Gold infused hate, even I think RGIII, the Messiah from Waco, (and the only guy who has press conferences about having press conferences) enjoys the limelight too much.

I don’t care that Mr. Football has the spoils. He’s famous; he should enjoy the perks of what that brings. Most people would love to enjoy half the stuff he gets to do. I don’t even care if he accepted money for autographs. His name should make him money, not just the university. 

But spare me the “I just want to be normal BS” You don’t want to be normal, and that’s the point. He wants to eat his cake and have it to. Name one celebrity who doesn’t have their every move documented. You can’t – that’s what makes you a celebrity. I would kill to have to deal with some of his difficulties. He has to get an escort home from games (the travesty) people don’t leave him alone (the outrage) his every moved is scrutinized (how terrible). He could literally never work another day in his life and live comfortably

Mr. Football seems to get whatever he pleases. He’s never wanted a day in his life (neither have I, mind you). But I have been told things that tempered by ability to attain whatever I desired. I’ve heard words like “No”, phrases like “we can’t afford that” or “that’s not how things work”.  

So dear Mr. Football here’s my request for you. The choice is simple.

(1)  Live your life of luxury and excess. Leverage the benefits of your fame (probably fleeting because I doubt you’re a viable NFL quarterback). Party with NBA stars, get weird at the frat parties of rival schools. Troll national columnists on twitter, attend marquee-sporting events. Take what is given to you and run with it. You’re only a college student once, live it up. But realize that this comes with media coverage and scrutiny. Accept that normal for you is going to be wildly different than normal for the rest of society.

(2)  If this doesn’t sound like something you want to do then you should quit football and apply for a job at New York Deli. I know a certain somebody who would be a great reference.

It's Been a While....

So I haven’t updated the blog in a while, so it’s probably time I gave everyone a little bit of an update. I’ll break this down into categories so it’s easier to digest.

Job:

I got promoted. That’s right people; you can no longer refer to me as a pricing analyst. Friends, I am now a regional pricing coordinator. What does this mean, practically? Well now it takes even more time to tell people my title and to explain what it is I do…so that’s a win.

Vacation:

I went backpacking with some friends during “spring break.” We did a 4-night 30-mile trip through The Smoky Mountain National Park. Here are some highlights: It was cold, it was tiring, and it was wet. I fell in a river at one point, but overall it was awesome.

A few weeks ago I went to Colorado for business, and my little brother tagged along. During the day I worked and he slept. In the afternoon we would do something exciting (Pikes Peak, Garden of the Gods etc...). We were there for a week....we want to go back.

Social Life:

Nothing of note happened here….moving on.

Living Situation:

I moved. Same apartment complex different unit.  Got a roommate so naturally we got a 2 bedroom. I save money, I have a bigger place and I have someone who has to talk to me every day. A win-win in my book.

Free time:

I started the Game of Thrones series. I enjoy it, but I also spend large amounts of time with the realization that I probably bit off more than I can chew.


That's it and that's all folks.....

I got a couple of post ideas in the works, hopefully it doesn't take another 4 months to write again.

Get Stacked Bro

Ok, let’s go ahead and get this fact out of the way. I’m currently a member at LIFEtime Fitness and I spend hours each day at my gym. Now, I know that on the surface this seems to be a pretty outrageous bit of cockiness that (undeservedly) I have a reputation for consistently displaying. However, I make this statement not to boost my self-efficacy (believe me, it doesn’t need any assistance) or to impress you (although if you need a shirtless selfie of me in my bathroom let me know) but to establish a sense of authority.

I’m not an authority on how to increase your bench-press max, how to shed weight and lose inches or on what workout you should use to get ripped.  But I do have the ability to speak with authority on how freaking ridiculous people are at gyms.  I’m an expert at people watching while executing my favorite exercises.

People watching is not novel, new or limited to a gym. However, I would argue that no other arena offers the variety or quality of a local fitness club. You get a pretty broad sampling of all the socioeconomic variables in one single place. Furthermore, because only members are allowed it allows a sense of community, and the opportunity to consistently see the same people on a day-to-day basis.

I think It functions like a mini high school….specifically, we have:

The popular guys / Jocks - typically the biggest guys who grunt the loudest

The popular girls - consistently seen in mid length tights or Nike shorts (depending on the season), a neon sleeveless top w/ the sports bra showing and Nike frees.

The nerds - is that a collared shirt with too short athletic shorts and sketcher shape ups?

The others – just trying to blend in

In a macro sense the gym functions like a high school because on the surface everyone is there for some form of “self-benefit” but in reality everyone just wants to be noticed and for other people to think they’re cool.

If you follow me on twitter (@toddneece) you are probably aware that I regularly tweet about the people and situations I encounter at the gym. So, I thought….why not pool all of these observations in once place.

Let’s identifying the stereotypical people I encounter at the gym…

King of the Pre-workout – Typically a guy, typically a high school student and typically encountered in the locker room.  Usually this person is incredibly skinny, and yet incredibly well stocked with various proteins, pre-workouts, and un-identified powders and pills. In most cases they love to instigate conversations with you about their newest purchase, and how it’s going to add mass to their frame.  These powders and pills consistently have names that include some combination of the following words: Max, Ultra, Explode, X, or Mass.

iChat – This person is trying to fool you into thinking they are at the gym to get a sweat in, however don’t be gullible. They’re actually here to meet people platonic or otherwise. This person can be identified by his or her inability to go more than one set without striking up a 5-minute conversation with somebody. Incredibly this person always seems to be using the machine you were hoping to get to next.

Fashion Show – This person is typically a girl, but not always. Let’s put this  is in some sub categories:

• The Model – Hair done, make up on (including lipstick). Sweating is discouraged, flirting with any and all males, highly encouraged.
• The mannequin – Every aspect of your outfit is planned and color coordinated. Typically exemplified by those of the African American persuasion. Nike head to toe, shoes match the shirt, the shorts…and the Beats by Dre.

I’m parked at a meter – This person has to be somewhere in 30 minutes but still needs to get their workout in. They typically are seen running around like a mad man trying to do as many sets of as many lifts as possible in the afforded time frame.

Loud and Proud – Always a guy and always enormous, usually heard before they are seen.  He is identified by a distinctive grunt meant to attract attention to the fact that the bar is bending over his back as he does his squats. The noise is typically, loud, quick and has no semblance of a being a real word.

All bark no bite – Again usually a guy and usually small in stature. The guy at my gym who typifies this category is as follows.  Weighs about a buck fifty and seemingly has a seizure to complete each rep of his curls with 45lb dumbbells. I find that this generally occurs with younger guys who are trying to impress “the model” or the “loud and proud” groups.

Jelly Rolls – Outside of the gym some women find it necessary to compensate for a lack of looks or personality by showing an incredibly gross amount of their body. Unfortunately this misguided attempt for attention bleeds over into gym attire. A couple of thoughts:

1. Spandex is a privilege not a right.
2. If you’re over 30 let’s cool it with the sports bra with no shirt look.
3. If you have had more than 2 kids you probably just need to stick to sweats.

The Evil Queen – Although the name might suggest otherwise this is usually a male. After each set they take a quick second to flex into the mirror (mirror) to see some immediate results. This is usually accompanied by a nod of self-approval and inflation of self-confidence.

Obscure – This person has a personal pledge…it reads: “I solemnly swear that I will never (in good conscience) use the equipment as intended. Instead I will invent an incredibly complex lift using the said equipment incorrectly in an attempt to attract attention and accolades.

Locker Room Nightmare - Can't speak authoritatively about girls but as for the guys locker room... There is always a guy, usually old and always naked. And by naked I mean completely, and and completely unnecessary. I understand getting nude to get in and and out of the shower... that is normal. Standing in front of the mirror next to me, buck naked, blow drying your hair with your business resting on the counter?? That is a little much.

Groundhog Day – This person is wearing the same thing every time you see them at the gym. This doesn’t mean they always wear shorts and a shirt, it literally means they are wearing the same shirt and same shorts each day. I want to believe that these people love doing a daily load of laundry, I also want to believe that I still have a chance to date Rachel McAdams.

Concert - Blaring their music loud enough for half the gym to hear (typically rap... I mean what else do you workout to?) with singing and dancing in between sets.

The (un-official) Trainer - You don't want advice on how to do a lift, but that doesn't stop this person form giving you uneeded and unsoliscted instruction on how to a variation of curls.

Treadmill disasters - These folks get some sub categories:

• No need for a shower - Usually a geriatric, they like to walk at approximately 1.1 mph...sweating is an afterthought. Of course this always happens when every other treadmill is occupied. Of course they plan on walking throughout the entire episode of The Bold and the Beautiful so it could be a while...
• Multitasker - Cardio is not entertainment enough, they are either talking, texting or tweeting their way through the workout. I'm imaging they are doing neither well. If you have the ability to accurately hit the letters on you touch screen....it might be time up the intensity.

Enjoy your next workout folks...

Can I unfriend you in real life?

Haven't posted in 2 months, so here you go....

- As a somewhat interesting side note this was originally intended to be my first blog post. It got pushed back because, well there is no good reason. But anyhow enjoy - 

In no way shape or form could I be considered a social media expert. Part of this is due to age.  (Although I’m only 26, up till a month ago I was completely unaware that “following people” on Instagram was actually possible.) Part of this is choice. As a general rule, I try to avoid social media to a great extent. Self admittedly, I am completely and utterly addicted to Twitter. But besides that 140-character platform I consider myself relatively allergic to online interaction. I haven’t been active on Facebook in almost a year, and have no plans to change that stance. This is why it’s still strange to think that I would feel compelled to blog. I typically spend a lot of time mocking these kinds of things (and a whole lot in general actually). However, a blog offers me something that Twitter and Facebook do not, no character limit, and a more appropriate platform respectively. 

I distinctly remember my first social media experience. It was a random night in August 2005 the summer before my freshman year at Baylor. My randomly assigned roommate had emailed me to ask if I had set up a profile on Facebook. (This of course is a stupid question because he could have “looked me up” using the “search function”, but I digress) Apparently late to the party; I quickly googled Facebook and started creating a killer profile.

To be honest, I was unsure about the true purpose of this new website. However, I was positive that this was a way for me to meet all those Proverbs 31 women who currently called Baylor home. Like any good Christ follower, I quickly uploaded a picture of myself holding an underprivileged child from my most recent mission trip and established that as profile picture (I’ve heard the kids are now calling this a “defie”…short for default I presume??).

After confirming my conservative Southern Baptist roots with an “about me” filled with my favorite verses, and the Bible as my favorite piece of literature, I eagerly awaited for the opposite sex interaction to commence.

As the weeks progressed into my first semester at Baylor one thing became apparent. My Facebook was not attracting any talent. Unfortunately, it seemed that the women who frequented my page were focusing on getting their relationship with God right before starting any online dalliances. Without any coed attention I quickly grew frustrated.

It was during this “wall post drought” that a certain experience helped me realize how completely worthless social media can be. After sharing a rather sin less evening of board games in Collins dormitory with a group of females I rushed back to my dorm room to see if they had asked to be my friend on Facebook. As you would imagine, they hadn’t. A true crisis. Apparently my mix of overwhelming self-confidence, well placed sarcastic remarks, infallible scriptural knowledge and general aurora of superiority was not as potently intoxicating as it was in my old youth group. My always-reliable charisma had not even warranted a “friend invite”

In retrospect this was certainly a blessing in disguise. I quickly realized the error of my ways. I had used social media (Facebook basically) in the wrong manner. I was hoping to utilize Facebook to increase my ability to land some quality females. That is not what social media is for…

Unfortunately, I am not alone in my mistake, social media abuse is rampant. (And no I’m not talking about cyber bullying. Though that is a huge deal, my mom deals with it constantly…bullies these days, don’t even have the guts to do it in person #smh)

See it is my belief that each of us in one way or another has a meaningful relationship with someone who consistently abuses social media. Lucky for you I have established some characteristics.

1. In almost all other arenas you genuinely enjoy the person (they’re not perfect, but you can be around them for long periods of time with out contemplating murder.)
2. They fall under your definition of socially normal. (They don’t own a bunch of cats, they don’t collect their own belly button lint, and in general they follow standard social guidelines.)
3. You care about them.
4. They consistently abuse social media.

So how do you tell your friend that their social media etiquette needs some work? A face to face sit down? A well timed wall post? A twitter direct message? Easy, none of the above, de-friend and unfollow immediately, they haven't earned your attention.....that'll teach them.

The following are my favorite types of social media abusers (in no typical order) that I've noticed. Lucky for you I have added well-placed sarcastic comments…

Update or die – this person must always update their followers about the most trivial aspects of their lives. These are the same people who used “away messages on their AIM profile...this one has sub categories. - okay I might be somewhat guilty of one of these, but it's typically tongue in cheek...

• Workout Addict – “At the gym”, “gotta get my workout in” or if you’re lucky some version of “get my swole on”….oh so your going to the gym, Lord knows I was dying to hear about that. Please call me when you get home (or at least give me another post) I’m on the edge of my seat about how many sets of bench you did.

• Trivial or not – “cleaning my apartment,” “time to grocery shop” “getting my nails done”. Newsflash, no one cares.

Emotionally connected – Facebook, twitter, any type of social media is not your personal outlet to tell your deepest struggles. I love it when people put stuff like “I feel so alone right now” or “this day couldn’t get any worse” – umm…is telling people online really helpful? Is that random response to your post from someone you haven’t talked to in 5 months going to make a difference? Here’s an idea, talk to someone. One of these is so abundant it deserves a sub category…

• The break up – the best version of this is when people’s “relationship status’ change” of course someone immediately posts a comment like “sorry man” or “I’m here for you”. These slay me. Give them a call? Shoot them a text? Go to there house and see them? Talk to them when I see them next?...Nah I’ll put a post on their Facebook wall telling them I’m digitally there for them

Sports Updater – “Aggies lose again” or “24-17 Cowboys suck”….ESPN.com, SI.com, Yahoo sports who needs it? Why log on to sports websites or watch the games themselves when I can check Facebook and determine the outcome (with commentary) of any sports event

• Okay I’m guilty of this sometimes, I don’t update scores but I do tweet about sports….this is OK. writing “The Cowboys make me want to punch babies” is fine and completely understandable. Constantly giving scores is not

I’m electronically serious about the Lord – “Quite time with Lord…just what my heart needs” or “This passage spoke to me” (insert seriously indie filtered instagram of scripture). You’re seeking attention, and guess what…. last time I checked I’m not your accountability partner so stop letting me know about your quiet time.

BFFoFB (Best friend forever on Facebook) – This happens when girls (99% of the time) use facebook to announce to the world how much they like their friends… “Can’t wait for girls night w/ my bestie”. Why do I need to know about your impending social event? Why is it necessary to abbreviate best friend? Why do I always read this sentence in a way that it sounds like you’re 10 years old?... These make me gag. Once again sub categories.

•  Posts about physical appearance ”OMG you are so incredibly gorgeous in this picture….I’m jealous”
• Posts about wanting to spend time together “When do I get to see your beautiful little face again?”
• Posts about your feelings “I am obsessed with you”
• Usually combined w/ a lot of periods and or spelling mistakes “I.  Am. Seriously. Soooooooo. In wuv. W/ U.

Ideological Updaters – “Marriage is for man and woman, repost (or RT if twitter is your flavor) if you agree.” Sorry to burst your bubble but under no circumstances is your post going to make a difference. The people who follow you probably know what you stand for. And here’s a secret if they don’t agree with you your 140-character stance on the institution of marriage won’t change their mind.

•  In my mind blogging about serious stuff is okay. It’s a broader platform and allows an opportunity to fully articulate an idea. Facebook and Twitter are no-nos. 
• Also if you actively post on these ideological debates I hate you.

Political Debaters– especially relevant for 2012….”Obama won again, let’s secede”. This of course causes someone to post that they agree. This is quickly followed by someone else (of a different persuasion) to leave a post that soon escalates into a full on political debate. In my experience they’re filled with incorrect facts, overall ignorance and horrible grammar.

• Remember how ridiculous the political debates were this past year. Can you imagine if they tried to do that on by posting messages on the internet. This is basically what these people are trying to do, but without boasting about binders full of women

It's overrated to tell you the truth...

It’s been a while since my last post. I have a good excuse though. I literally have spent every weekend the past 2 months on the road. I’ve had a bachelor party, a wedding, a baby shower, thanksgiving and a collegiate homecoming. I’m tired of traveling and I’m tired of not being able to blog.

But enough with the excuses.

A few months ago I was in Waco catching some dinner with a few friends of mine. You know how this story goes…one person offers a potential restraunt and everyone offers their opinion. As my friends repeatedly offered various eating establishments, without realizing it, I referred to every option as overrated. "We could go to Baris? my friend suggested"...."Nah, people think that place is the business, in reality, it's overrated" I replied.....and so on and so on. Eventually my friends alerted me to the fact that I had used "overrated" in my response to each option. How did this quirky phrase squirm it’s way into my normal vocabulary?? Simple, I blame this on the worldwide leader in sports.

I watch ESPN constantly, I listen to ESPN radio at work and in the car, and ESPN.com is probably my most frequented website. Now if you spend as much time as I do soaking up all that ESPN has to offer then you are aware of a few things:

1. They love to get former athletes to become “analysts”. 

2. They love to talk about Tim Tebow, LeBron James, the Cowboys, the Lakers and the Yankees. 

3. Said “analysts” treat saying the acronyms “NFL” and “NBA” like it is a fireable offense. Instead they insist on always saying “National Football League” or “National Basketball Association”. It is incredibly obnoxious. 

4. They love to have conversations about current athletes that are either over or under rated.

The fact that I have subconsciously allowed ESPN to effect how I talk should  probably spur me to change my ways. Sometimes I think, what if I spent this much time watching, listening to, reading, and or thinking about things that truly matter???  But then the commercial break ends and the game is back on, so I kind of forget about that for a while.

But in reality why should such a good conversation piece be pigeon holed in the sports lexicon. The idea that something could be over or under rated can be applied to anything. I’m taking it upon my self to free this conversation from the bondage of sports and apply it to all areas of life.  And since I currently ply my trade as an analyst of sorts I feel more than qualified to make over or under rated decisions.

The guidelines:

Being overrated or underrated simply means something is not properly rated. It doesn’t mean I think it is the best nor the worst simply that it is currently being over or under valued. 

Example: I think Tim Tebow’s Godliness is overrated.

Explanation: This doesn’t mean I think Tim Tebow is the anti-Christ (that’s reserved for this dude). It does indicate that I think circumcising Filipino orphans really doesn’t sound that spiritual.

So without further ado….my initial (and probably not annual) over and under rated list….

The category is listed first followed by my choices for both under and over rated. Some of these are current, others are not.

Food: 

Overrated: (Steak). 

Listen I like steak. Steak is great. But this food perfectly emulates the overrated description. I would guess that 85% of pure blooded Americans would list steak as their favorite meal. Probably not a surprise that I wouldn’t. In full disclosure I’ve never had a steak perfectly cooked at some fancy steakhouse. But  at the same time I don’t need to have the greatest Russian caviar to realize I don't like it. 

Underrated: (Cereal). 

If you know me then you’re probably aware of my affinity for this food. The reason’s it’s underrated….versatility. It can be breakfast, lunch or dinner and makes for an incredible snack. 

It can be relatively healthy 

or relatively unhealthy.

But, honestly who doesn’t like cereal? It’s perfect. Easy to make and easy to enjoy.

TV Shows: 

Overrated: (The Walking Dead). 

Simply the easiest decision on this list. This show's Season 3 premiere episode had more viewers than the season premiere of Breaking Bad and Mad Men....combined. This should alert you to the relative lack of knowledge society possesses. Each time I sit down to watch show I expect to be disappointed. The acting is atrocious, the plot is dull and slow, and the idea is incredibly far fetched. Why do I watch it you ask? Good question. I treat it like the Jersey Shore. (1) I realize it's worthless, but watch it anyway (2) I feel like I’ve invested so much I probably should stick with it (3) I root for the ultimate demise of every main character...

Underrated: (The Wire)

Far and away the best TV show I have ever seen. Unfortunately, it was on HBO and ended a few years ago so not a lot of people (who follow this blog) are aware of it. This is a travesty. Unlike other TV shows (Like Lost or the Walking Dead) the shows creator obviously had the entire show mapped out before he started. This results in a show that constantly develops characters with a plot that weaves throughout 5 seasons. 

The shows greatest accomplishment is it's ability to make a  gay gangster one of your favorite TV Characters of all time. I cannot emphasize this enough - You need to rent or buy this series….seriously.

Books:

Overrated: (The Hunger Games)

I’m willing to bet that if I had read the Twilight series I would list that instead. Thank God I’m not knee deep into a series about vampires and werewolves. I did however dive head first into a made up world where an evil president causes little children to try and kill each other for sport. The premise sounds promising enough. The result….disappointment. I understand that this series is not designed for a 26-year-old male. However, any book that causes mass public hysteria but instead has me rooting for the heroine to die is not a good sign. By the end of the series I was hoping for both Peeta and Gale to decide that Katniss was an obnoxious, self involved B and give her up to President Snow. The ending is terrible, confusing and pretentious….I’m done.

Underrated: (The Bible) 

Did you know that the Bible is the best selling book of all time, or that it is divinely inspired? Do you know that I’m actually kidding? In all honestly you should read the Bible... however it’s not the most underrated book. That designation goes to.....

(The Book of Basketball) 

My favorite sports related book, about my favorite sport, by my favorite columnist. It's over 800 pages of pure basketball information. He ranks the top players of all time, the top championship teams of all time, and the greatest "What if's?" in NBA history. It's basically the Bible for NBA fans. In fact I'm not sure why this isn't the greatest selling book of all time...

Movies:

Overrated: (The Hangover)

Do you laugh really hard at  movies whose characters when constantly presented with a series of outrageous circumstances only respond with “What the F?”” If so check this movie out. If not spare yourself. This is the only scene from the movie I enjoy.

Underrated: (Ace Ventura Pet Detective)

Which Ace Ventura do you ask? The first ? or the Second? Easy, Both (but definitely not this one) Just know that there are an entire generation of people who think Jim Carrey’s greatest movie is “Yes Man”. This is a travesty. The dude was a genius. This deserves an entire blog post….stay tuned.

 Fast Food:

Overrated: (In N’ Out)

Growing up in Texas I would always hear about this awesome burger chain out in California that I had to visit if I got the chance. Flash forward to 2012, In N’ Out moves to Texas. There is a 2 hour line to get food for a solid 2 months.  I eventually tried it. Good but not great. Not any better than Whataburger. I think this company made a mistake moving to Texas, because it was only in California it had a mystical property to it. Now it’s just another burger chain on every corner in DFW.

Underrated: (Chick Fil-A)

I don’t know about you but besides being my go to stop for fast food, Chick Fil-A doubles as my moral compass. Actually their stance on gay marriage has no bearing on their rating, you now what does? Their nuggets with barbecue sauce.

Board Games:

Overrated: (Every board game)

I don't like board games. Well Trivial pursuit is okay. Board games suck. They take too long (Monopoly) they make no sense (Apples to Apples) or they require no skill (Risk)

Underrated: (Trivial Pursuit)

The blog’s namesake and the only board game that requires knowledge.

Athletes:

Overrated: (Shaquille O'Neal)

Tim Tebow is a gimme. I’m all about challenging myself. So Let’s go with Shaq. Every ounce of Shaq’s success was due too the fact that he was a 7 foot 300+ dude, who when young, ran like a deer. He had no post moves to speak of and was a terrible rebounder and defender for his size. Also he sucks on TNT’s Inside the NBA and ruins every chance for Kenny, EJ and Chuck to have good conversation. He’s not funny, he’s childish, he think's it's cool to use Superman as a nickname (and gets upset if other athletes try to copy him) and is responsible for this, oh and for this too.

Underrated: (Tim Duncan)

The greatest power forward of all time, and one of the top 10 players ever. 4 NBA Championships, 3 NBA Finals MVP's & 2 MVP Awards. He's averaged 20 and 10 over his 15 year career. He also is quietly having an incredible start to this his 16th year. Why is he underrated? Simple. He is the antithesis of Shaq. He hasn't attempted a rap career and is devoid of a spotty IMDB page. His signature move is a bank shot from 15 feet, not exactly SportsCenter material. He's not interested in publicity, he's interested in winning and he's done it his whole career. Could have left the Spurs for more money (and a bigger market: more commercials, endorsements, coverage etc...) multiple times, and has repeatedly taken less money to ensure team cohesion and success. Somehow this dude gets less coverage than anybody, maybe he needs to look into circumcising some folks.....