Can I unfriend you in real life?

Haven't posted in 2 months, so here you go....

- As a somewhat interesting side note this was originally intended to be my first blog post. It got pushed back because, well there is no good reason. But anyhow enjoy - 

In no way shape or form could I be considered a social media expert. Part of this is due to age.  (Although I’m only 26, up till a month ago I was completely unaware that “following people” on Instagram was actually possible.) Part of this is choice. As a general rule, I try to avoid social media to a great extent. Self admittedly, I am completely and utterly addicted to Twitter. But besides that 140-character platform I consider myself relatively allergic to online interaction. I haven’t been active on Facebook in almost a year, and have no plans to change that stance. This is why it’s still strange to think that I would feel compelled to blog. I typically spend a lot of time mocking these kinds of things (and a whole lot in general actually). However, a blog offers me something that Twitter and Facebook do not, no character limit, and a more appropriate platform respectively. 

I distinctly remember my first social media experience. It was a random night in August 2005 the summer before my freshman year at Baylor. My randomly assigned roommate had emailed me to ask if I had set up a profile on Facebook. (This of course is a stupid question because he could have “looked me up” using the “search function”, but I digress) Apparently late to the party; I quickly googled Facebook and started creating a killer profile.

To be honest, I was unsure about the true purpose of this new website. However, I was positive that this was a way for me to meet all those Proverbs 31 women who currently called Baylor home. Like any good Christ follower, I quickly uploaded a picture of myself holding an underprivileged child from my most recent mission trip and established that as profile picture (I’ve heard the kids are now calling this a “defie”…short for default I presume??).

After confirming my conservative Southern Baptist roots with an “about me” filled with my favorite verses, and the Bible as my favorite piece of literature, I eagerly awaited for the opposite sex interaction to commence.

As the weeks progressed into my first semester at Baylor one thing became apparent. My Facebook was not attracting any talent. Unfortunately, it seemed that the women who frequented my page were focusing on getting their relationship with God right before starting any online dalliances. Without any coed attention I quickly grew frustrated.

It was during this “wall post drought” that a certain experience helped me realize how completely worthless social media can be. After sharing a rather sin less evening of board games in Collins dormitory with a group of females I rushed back to my dorm room to see if they had asked to be my friend on Facebook. As you would imagine, they hadn’t. A true crisis. Apparently my mix of overwhelming self-confidence, well placed sarcastic remarks, infallible scriptural knowledge and general aurora of superiority was not as potently intoxicating as it was in my old youth group. My always-reliable charisma had not even warranted a “friend invite”

In retrospect this was certainly a blessing in disguise. I quickly realized the error of my ways. I had used social media (Facebook basically) in the wrong manner. I was hoping to utilize Facebook to increase my ability to land some quality females. That is not what social media is for…

Unfortunately, I am not alone in my mistake, social media abuse is rampant. (And no I’m not talking about cyber bullying. Though that is a huge deal, my mom deals with it constantly…bullies these days, don’t even have the guts to do it in person #smh)

See it is my belief that each of us in one way or another has a meaningful relationship with someone who consistently abuses social media. Lucky for you I have established some characteristics.

1. In almost all other arenas you genuinely enjoy the person (they’re not perfect, but you can be around them for long periods of time with out contemplating murder.)
2. They fall under your definition of socially normal. (They don’t own a bunch of cats, they don’t collect their own belly button lint, and in general they follow standard social guidelines.)
3. You care about them.
4. They consistently abuse social media.

So how do you tell your friend that their social media etiquette needs some work? A face to face sit down? A well timed wall post? A twitter direct message? Easy, none of the above, de-friend and unfollow immediately, they haven't earned your attention.....that'll teach them.

The following are my favorite types of social media abusers (in no typical order) that I've noticed. Lucky for you I have added well-placed sarcastic comments…

Update or die – this person must always update their followers about the most trivial aspects of their lives. These are the same people who used “away messages on their AIM profile...this one has sub categories. - okay I might be somewhat guilty of one of these, but it's typically tongue in cheek...

• Workout Addict – “At the gym”, “gotta get my workout in” or if you’re lucky some version of “get my swole on”….oh so your going to the gym, Lord knows I was dying to hear about that. Please call me when you get home (or at least give me another post) I’m on the edge of my seat about how many sets of bench you did.

• Trivial or not – “cleaning my apartment,” “time to grocery shop” “getting my nails done”. Newsflash, no one cares.

Emotionally connected – Facebook, twitter, any type of social media is not your personal outlet to tell your deepest struggles. I love it when people put stuff like “I feel so alone right now” or “this day couldn’t get any worse” – umm…is telling people online really helpful? Is that random response to your post from someone you haven’t talked to in 5 months going to make a difference? Here’s an idea, talk to someone. One of these is so abundant it deserves a sub category…

• The break up – the best version of this is when people’s “relationship status’ change” of course someone immediately posts a comment like “sorry man” or “I’m here for you”. These slay me. Give them a call? Shoot them a text? Go to there house and see them? Talk to them when I see them next?...Nah I’ll put a post on their Facebook wall telling them I’m digitally there for them

Sports Updater – “Aggies lose again” or “24-17 Cowboys suck”….ESPN.com, SI.com, Yahoo sports who needs it? Why log on to sports websites or watch the games themselves when I can check Facebook and determine the outcome (with commentary) of any sports event

• Okay I’m guilty of this sometimes, I don’t update scores but I do tweet about sports….this is OK. writing “The Cowboys make me want to punch babies” is fine and completely understandable. Constantly giving scores is not

I’m electronically serious about the Lord – “Quite time with Lord…just what my heart needs” or “This passage spoke to me” (insert seriously indie filtered instagram of scripture). You’re seeking attention, and guess what…. last time I checked I’m not your accountability partner so stop letting me know about your quiet time.

BFFoFB (Best friend forever on Facebook) – This happens when girls (99% of the time) use facebook to announce to the world how much they like their friends… “Can’t wait for girls night w/ my bestie”. Why do I need to know about your impending social event? Why is it necessary to abbreviate best friend? Why do I always read this sentence in a way that it sounds like you’re 10 years old?... These make me gag. Once again sub categories.

•  Posts about physical appearance ”OMG you are so incredibly gorgeous in this picture….I’m jealous”
• Posts about wanting to spend time together “When do I get to see your beautiful little face again?”
• Posts about your feelings “I am obsessed with you”
• Usually combined w/ a lot of periods and or spelling mistakes “I.  Am. Seriously. Soooooooo. In wuv. W/ U.

Ideological Updaters – “Marriage is for man and woman, repost (or RT if twitter is your flavor) if you agree.” Sorry to burst your bubble but under no circumstances is your post going to make a difference. The people who follow you probably know what you stand for. And here’s a secret if they don’t agree with you your 140-character stance on the institution of marriage won’t change their mind.

•  In my mind blogging about serious stuff is okay. It’s a broader platform and allows an opportunity to fully articulate an idea. Facebook and Twitter are no-nos. 
• Also if you actively post on these ideological debates I hate you.

Political Debaters– especially relevant for 2012….”Obama won again, let’s secede”. This of course causes someone to post that they agree. This is quickly followed by someone else (of a different persuasion) to leave a post that soon escalates into a full on political debate. In my experience they’re filled with incorrect facts, overall ignorance and horrible grammar.

• Remember how ridiculous the political debates were this past year. Can you imagine if they tried to do that on by posting messages on the internet. This is basically what these people are trying to do, but without boasting about binders full of women