Ok, let’s go ahead and get this fact out of the way. I’m
currently a member at LIFEtime Fitness and I spend hours each day at my gym.
Now, I know that on the surface this seems to be a pretty outrageous bit of
cockiness that (undeservedly) I have a reputation for consistently displaying.
However, I make this statement not to boost my self-efficacy (believe me, it
doesn’t need any assistance) or to impress you (although if you need a
shirtless selfie of me in my bathroom let me know) but to establish a sense of
authority.
I’m not an authority on how to increase your bench-press
max, how to shed weight and lose inches or on what workout you should use to
get ripped. But I do have the
ability to speak with authority on how freaking ridiculous people are at gyms. I’m an expert at people watching while
executing my favorite exercises.
People watching is not novel, new or limited to a gym.
However, I would argue that no other arena offers the variety or quality of a
local fitness club. You get a pretty broad sampling of all the socioeconomic
variables in one single place. Furthermore, because only members are allowed it
allows a sense of community, and the opportunity to consistently see the same
people on a day-to-day basis.
I think It functions like a mini high school….specifically,
we have:
The popular guys / Jocks - typically the biggest guys who
grunt the loudest
The popular girls - consistently seen in mid length tights
or Nike shorts (depending on the season), a neon sleeveless top w/ the sports
bra showing and Nike frees.
The nerds - is that a collared shirt with too short athletic
shorts and sketcher shape ups?
The others – just trying to blend in
In a macro sense the gym functions like a high school
because on the surface everyone is there for some form of “self-benefit” but in
reality everyone just wants to be noticed and for other people to think they’re
cool.
If you follow me on twitter (@toddneece) you are probably
aware that I regularly tweet about the people and situations I encounter at the
gym. So, I thought….why not pool all of these observations in once place.
Let’s identifying the stereotypical people I
encounter at the gym…
King of the Pre-workout – Typically a guy, typically a high
school student and typically encountered in the locker room. Usually this person is incredibly
skinny, and yet incredibly well stocked with various proteins, pre-workouts,
and un-identified powders and pills. In most cases they love to instigate
conversations with you about their newest purchase, and how it’s going to add
mass to their frame. These powders
and pills consistently have names that include some combination of the
following words: Max, Ultra, Explode, X, or Mass.
iChat – This person is trying to fool you into thinking they
are at the gym to get a sweat in, however don’t be gullible. They’re actually
here to meet people platonic or otherwise. This person can be identified by his
or her inability to go more than one set without striking up a 5-minute
conversation with somebody. Incredibly this person always seems to be using the
machine you were hoping to get to next.
Fashion Show – This person is typically a girl, but not
always. Let’s put this is in some
sub categories:
- The Model – Hair done, make up on (including lipstick). Sweating is discouraged, flirting with any and all males, highly encouraged.
- The mannequin – Every aspect of your outfit is planned and color coordinated. Typically exemplified by those of the African American persuasion. Nike head to toe, shoes match the shirt, the shorts…and the Beats by Dre.
I’m parked at a meter – This person has to be somewhere in
30 minutes but still needs to get their workout in. They typically are seen
running around like a mad man trying to do as many sets of as many lifts as
possible in the afforded time frame.
Loud and Proud – Always a guy and always enormous, usually
heard before they are seen. He is
identified by a distinctive grunt meant to attract attention to the fact that
the bar is bending over his back as he does his squats. The noise is typically,
loud, quick and has no semblance of a being a real word.
All bark no bite – Again usually a guy and usually small in
stature. The guy at my gym who typifies this category is as follows. Weighs about a buck fifty and seemingly
has a seizure to complete each rep of his curls with 45lb dumbbells. I find
that this generally occurs with younger guys who are trying to impress “the
model” or the “loud and proud” groups.
Jelly Rolls – Outside of the gym some women find it
necessary to compensate for a lack of looks or personality by showing an
incredibly gross amount of their body. Unfortunately this misguided attempt for
attention bleeds over into gym attire. A couple of thoughts:
- Spandex is a privilege not a right.
- If you’re over 30 let’s cool it with the sports bra with no shirt look.
- If you have had more than 2 kids you probably just need to stick to sweats.
The Evil Queen – Although the name might suggest otherwise
this is usually a male. After each set they take a quick second to flex into
the mirror (mirror) to see some immediate results. This is usually accompanied
by a nod of self-approval and inflation of self-confidence.
Obscure – This person has a personal pledge…it reads: “I
solemnly swear that I will never (in good conscience) use the equipment as
intended. Instead I will invent an incredibly complex lift using the said
equipment incorrectly in an attempt to attract attention and accolades.
Locker Room Nightmare - Can't speak authoritatively about girls but as for the guys locker room... There is always a guy, usually old and always naked. And by naked I mean completely, and and completely unnecessary. I understand getting nude to get in and and out of the shower... that is normal. Standing in front of the mirror next to me, buck naked, blow drying your hair with your business resting on the counter?? That is a little much.
Groundhog Day – This person is wearing the same thing every
time you see them at the gym. This doesn’t mean they always wear shorts and a
shirt, it literally means they are wearing the same shirt and same shorts each
day. I want to believe that these people love doing a daily load of laundry, I
also want to believe that I still have a chance to date Rachel McAdams.
Concert - Blaring their music loud enough for half the gym to hear (typically rap... I mean what else do you workout to?) with singing and dancing in between sets.
The (un-official) Trainer - You don't want advice on how to do a lift, but that doesn't stop this person form giving you uneeded and unsoliscted instruction on how to a variation of curls.
Treadmill disasters - These folks get some sub categories:
- No need for a shower - Usually a geriatric, they like to walk at approximately 1.1 mph...sweating is an afterthought. Of course this always happens when every other treadmill is occupied. Of course they plan on walking throughout the entire episode of The Bold and the Beautiful so it could be a while...
- Multitasker - Cardio is not entertainment enough, they are either talking, texting or tweeting their way through the workout. I'm imaging they are doing neither well. If you have the ability to accurately hit the letters on you touch screen....it might be time up the intensity.
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