Mr. Football

An extremely biased look at Mr.Jonathan (Johnny F’ing Football) Manziel the most over-hyped over-discussed story on ESPN since its inception. Or…. maybe since Brett Favre retired, and then un-retired, then retired again. At which point Tim Tebow’s college career literally controlled the media. This seemed insane until the Broncos drafted him. At which point the media was captivated by his ability start the last half of the 2011 season and win a playoff game. This of course was a huge deal till he was traded to the Jets as a special teamer and never saw the field. So in a perverse and twisted sense, maybe I’m glad that ESPN is obsessed with Johnny Football like a preteen female with One Direction. But in reality I’m not… in fact I cannot stand him.

Some famous philosopher once asserted that pure objectivity is impossible because every person brings feelings, ideas, memories, experiences etc. to the table. They form a prism, which distorts ones view on a subject. I happen to buy into this certain philosopher’s theory and in the case of my views on Manziel it could not be truer.

Growing up in Texas the vast majority (98% approximately) of young boys are fans of one of two teams: The University of Texas Longhorns or Texas A&M Aggies.

Of course some exceptions do exist. Some children are bastards of the north, transplanted in God’s country by their parents. These souls, rescued from the purgatory of the Midwest landscape might root for garbage like Ohio St, Michigan or some other Big Ten trash. A certain subset of this group is reserved for those who recognized how awful Oklahoma is, crossed the Red River and poisoned our state with their Okie allegiances.

On rare occasions a different Texas team might have a banner year and gain a “one-season” following. Texas Tech experienced this a few years ago. (Not many Tech #15 jerseys around anymore are there?). These “fair-weathered” fans are like puppy love. They are fleeting and typically infirm the young.

Finally a small group has parents who went to a school not located in Austin or College Station resulting in their kids being baptized into fandom of their alma mater by birth. These zealots are usually under the impression that their school will eventually be on par with the big boys. And although every once in a while our bell weather schools have downtrodden periods, these stepchildren universities of our great state usually remain second rate.

If one does not fall into any of these exceptions then they typically pull for one of these two schools. It’s only natural. For a growing sports fan their siren’s song of visibility, relative success, and abundance of fans is tough to resist. Now, I’m not saying that 98% of all children grow up and bleed either burnt orange or maroon, because that is not the case. But, I am saying that 98% of all children grow up at least preferring one of the two. I fall into this camp. Since birth I have preferred the university from Austin to that in College Station. This has given me a predisposition of distaste for everything related to Aggieland. To top it off I am lucky to be a graduate of Baylor University. ICYMI People at Baylor hate Texas A&M. It’s actually scary how much my fellow Bears detest everything associated with the Aggies. I’m not actually sure why this hatred runs so deep, but it does. Regardless, the hatred is palpable and my decision to receive a diploma from Jesus’ favorite University further allowed A&M hatred to saturate my consciousness….But back to the point

It should come as no surprise then that I absolutely cannot stand Johnny Football. It’s elementary really, in my opinion, everything about him is awful. Let’s break it down.

First, his name: Johnny Football or more accurately “Johnny F’n Football”. Apparently this name spawned from his high school exploits in Kerrville Texas. In related news, those in charge of assigning nicknames in Kerrville are devoid of creativity and the ability to generate G rated ideas. Maybe the problem was that I heard the name Johnny Football before I saw highlights of Johnny Football. I immediately hated the moniker and the fact that people constantly used it. ESPN shoulders much of this blame. They have the ability to latch onto a popular nickname and live off it like a leech. Jonathan Manziel didn’t stand a chance.

Second is his ability. Let’s get real; Manziel is a talented football player. Denying that is burying your head in the sand. Watching him kill the Sooners in the Cotton Bowl it was abundantly clear. He was better, and faster than anybody on the OU defense. He’s talented, but he’s overrated, he's a great college quarterback, but there are serious doubts about his NFL potential. He plays in a power football conference who wasn't used to a jitterbug QB. Don't believe me?  I'll give you 30 seconds to name one great quarterback from the SEC who's surname isn't Manning..... and time is up, you failed. Which brings me to a cross roads about the following paragraph….

(1) Write one full of information and statistics that proved my dedication to trivial sports knowledge and inability to craft a meaningful life.

(2)  Write a paragraph based solely on opinion.

What’s that?? You want option # 2….glad we could agree!!!

The dude won the Heisman partly because nobody else in college football was worth it last year. The other serious contenders were (1) AJ McCarron, who is most famous for an old geezer hitting on his girlfriend. (2) Manti Te’o who’s most famous for having a fake girlfriend, and (3) Collin Klein who apparently never kissed his girlfriend.

But who cares….

The main reason Johnny Football makes me want to punch babies is because he has the inability to choose. He speaks out of both sides of his mouth, and his life choices echo this stance (or lack thereof)

Johnny Football wants to leverage the spoils of his glory and fame when it benefits him and yet requests understanding because he’s frustrated that he’s treated differently. This past summer was a continual slideshow of his lavish party boy lifestyle. 

Floor seats at NBA Finals games, 

shooting music videos with hismodel girlfriend, 

pictures of him at a casino flashing money. 

Yet at the same time he bemoans his inability to live what he calls a “typical collegiate lifestyle” Repeatedly Manziel has stated that he is only 20 years old, and wants to do what a normal 20 year old would do. But that’s just it, he’s not normal by any stretch of the imagination. Not even close.

I was 20 once (7 years ago to be exact) and although that certainly feels like a lifetime ago I assure you I can remember it clearly. I was sophomore in college. I went to school for 15 hours a week, I worked for 15 hours a week and I found time to study, play basketball and hang with friends in between. Pretty typical. I was able to go out whenever I pleased, I was able to walk on campus without getting harassed, nobody took photos of me and I was never asked for my autograph. I was (and am) anonymous. 99.99% of my campus had no idea who I was. This is the life of a normal 20 year old.

Manziel is the starting quarterback of a SEC football team. He won the Heisman trophy. He was an Internet sensation. He was a highlight factory churning out results at full capacity. He became, and remains a folk hero. And don’t for a second think he didn’t enjoy the rise to fame. And yet now he complains that he can’t just be a normal college student. And he’s surprised by this?

You cannot enjoy hanging out with Drake and then complain about your popularity. Normal people don’t drive Benz’s bought by their family’s oil money. They don’t have personal assistants (or business managers), they don’t play quarterback. I know he wishes he could have both. That he could play quarterback, destroy the SEC, be a first round pick and also enjoy North Gate one time without getting harassed.

Guess what? I wish that I was 6’3” with a jumper and some hops, but I’m not. I wish that my parents had enough money where I could travel the world and never get a job, but I can’t. I wish the Chief Operating Officer of my company didn’t have your nickname as his personalized license plate. 

We all wish for something. If he wants to be normal tell him to quit the football team and work at New York Deli. My best friend did that during his time at College Station and he’s pretty dang normal. You know what his nickname is? Josh, because nobody cares what he does on a day-to-day basis.

You might think I’m railing on Mr. Football and maybe I am. Remember, I'm from Baylor, hating A&M is in my blood. But before you write this off as Green and Gold infused hate, even I think RGIII, the Messiah from Waco, (and the only guy who has press conferences about having press conferences) enjoys the limelight too much.

I don’t care that Mr. Football has the spoils. He’s famous; he should enjoy the perks of what that brings. Most people would love to enjoy half the stuff he gets to do. I don’t even care if he accepted money for autographs. His name should make him money, not just the university. 

But spare me the “I just want to be normal BS” You don’t want to be normal, and that’s the point. He wants to eat his cake and have it to. Name one celebrity who doesn’t have their every move documented. You can’t – that’s what makes you a celebrity. I would kill to have to deal with some of his difficulties. He has to get an escort home from games (the travesty) people don’t leave him alone (the outrage) his every moved is scrutinized (how terrible). He could literally never work another day in his life and live comfortably

Mr. Football seems to get whatever he pleases. He’s never wanted a day in his life (neither have I, mind you). But I have been told things that tempered by ability to attain whatever I desired. I’ve heard words like “No”, phrases like “we can’t afford that” or “that’s not how things work”.  

So dear Mr. Football here’s my request for you. The choice is simple.

(1)  Live your life of luxury and excess. Leverage the benefits of your fame (probably fleeting because I doubt you’re a viable NFL quarterback). Party with NBA stars, get weird at the frat parties of rival schools. Troll national columnists on twitter, attend marquee-sporting events. Take what is given to you and run with it. You’re only a college student once, live it up. But realize that this comes with media coverage and scrutiny. Accept that normal for you is going to be wildly different than normal for the rest of society.

(2)  If this doesn’t sound like something you want to do then you should quit football and apply for a job at New York Deli. I know a certain somebody who would be a great reference.