Mr. Football

An extremely biased look at Mr.Jonathan (Johnny F’ing Football) Manziel the most over-hyped over-discussed story on ESPN since its inception. Or…. maybe since Brett Favre retired, and then un-retired, then retired again. At which point Tim Tebow’s college career literally controlled the media. This seemed insane until the Broncos drafted him. At which point the media was captivated by his ability start the last half of the 2011 season and win a playoff game. This of course was a huge deal till he was traded to the Jets as a special teamer and never saw the field. So in a perverse and twisted sense, maybe I’m glad that ESPN is obsessed with Johnny Football like a preteen female with One Direction. But in reality I’m not… in fact I cannot stand him.

Some famous philosopher once asserted that pure objectivity is impossible because every person brings feelings, ideas, memories, experiences etc. to the table. They form a prism, which distorts ones view on a subject. I happen to buy into this certain philosopher’s theory and in the case of my views on Manziel it could not be truer.

Growing up in Texas the vast majority (98% approximately) of young boys are fans of one of two teams: The University of Texas Longhorns or Texas A&M Aggies.

Of course some exceptions do exist. Some children are bastards of the north, transplanted in God’s country by their parents. These souls, rescued from the purgatory of the Midwest landscape might root for garbage like Ohio St, Michigan or some other Big Ten trash. A certain subset of this group is reserved for those who recognized how awful Oklahoma is, crossed the Red River and poisoned our state with their Okie allegiances.

On rare occasions a different Texas team might have a banner year and gain a “one-season” following. Texas Tech experienced this a few years ago. (Not many Tech #15 jerseys around anymore are there?). These “fair-weathered” fans are like puppy love. They are fleeting and typically infirm the young.

Finally a small group has parents who went to a school not located in Austin or College Station resulting in their kids being baptized into fandom of their alma mater by birth. These zealots are usually under the impression that their school will eventually be on par with the big boys. And although every once in a while our bell weather schools have downtrodden periods, these stepchildren universities of our great state usually remain second rate.

If one does not fall into any of these exceptions then they typically pull for one of these two schools. It’s only natural. For a growing sports fan their siren’s song of visibility, relative success, and abundance of fans is tough to resist. Now, I’m not saying that 98% of all children grow up and bleed either burnt orange or maroon, because that is not the case. But, I am saying that 98% of all children grow up at least preferring one of the two. I fall into this camp. Since birth I have preferred the university from Austin to that in College Station. This has given me a predisposition of distaste for everything related to Aggieland. To top it off I am lucky to be a graduate of Baylor University. ICYMI People at Baylor hate Texas A&M. It’s actually scary how much my fellow Bears detest everything associated with the Aggies. I’m not actually sure why this hatred runs so deep, but it does. Regardless, the hatred is palpable and my decision to receive a diploma from Jesus’ favorite University further allowed A&M hatred to saturate my consciousness….But back to the point

It should come as no surprise then that I absolutely cannot stand Johnny Football. It’s elementary really, in my opinion, everything about him is awful. Let’s break it down.

First, his name: Johnny Football or more accurately “Johnny F’n Football”. Apparently this name spawned from his high school exploits in Kerrville Texas. In related news, those in charge of assigning nicknames in Kerrville are devoid of creativity and the ability to generate G rated ideas. Maybe the problem was that I heard the name Johnny Football before I saw highlights of Johnny Football. I immediately hated the moniker and the fact that people constantly used it. ESPN shoulders much of this blame. They have the ability to latch onto a popular nickname and live off it like a leech. Jonathan Manziel didn’t stand a chance.

Second is his ability. Let’s get real; Manziel is a talented football player. Denying that is burying your head in the sand. Watching him kill the Sooners in the Cotton Bowl it was abundantly clear. He was better, and faster than anybody on the OU defense. He’s talented, but he’s overrated, he's a great college quarterback, but there are serious doubts about his NFL potential. He plays in a power football conference who wasn't used to a jitterbug QB. Don't believe me?  I'll give you 30 seconds to name one great quarterback from the SEC who's surname isn't Manning..... and time is up, you failed. Which brings me to a cross roads about the following paragraph….

(1) Write one full of information and statistics that proved my dedication to trivial sports knowledge and inability to craft a meaningful life.

(2)  Write a paragraph based solely on opinion.

What’s that?? You want option # 2….glad we could agree!!!

The dude won the Heisman partly because nobody else in college football was worth it last year. The other serious contenders were (1) AJ McCarron, who is most famous for an old geezer hitting on his girlfriend. (2) Manti Te’o who’s most famous for having a fake girlfriend, and (3) Collin Klein who apparently never kissed his girlfriend.

But who cares….

The main reason Johnny Football makes me want to punch babies is because he has the inability to choose. He speaks out of both sides of his mouth, and his life choices echo this stance (or lack thereof)

Johnny Football wants to leverage the spoils of his glory and fame when it benefits him and yet requests understanding because he’s frustrated that he’s treated differently. This past summer was a continual slideshow of his lavish party boy lifestyle. 

Floor seats at NBA Finals games, 

shooting music videos with hismodel girlfriend, 

pictures of him at a casino flashing money. 

Yet at the same time he bemoans his inability to live what he calls a “typical collegiate lifestyle” Repeatedly Manziel has stated that he is only 20 years old, and wants to do what a normal 20 year old would do. But that’s just it, he’s not normal by any stretch of the imagination. Not even close.

I was 20 once (7 years ago to be exact) and although that certainly feels like a lifetime ago I assure you I can remember it clearly. I was sophomore in college. I went to school for 15 hours a week, I worked for 15 hours a week and I found time to study, play basketball and hang with friends in between. Pretty typical. I was able to go out whenever I pleased, I was able to walk on campus without getting harassed, nobody took photos of me and I was never asked for my autograph. I was (and am) anonymous. 99.99% of my campus had no idea who I was. This is the life of a normal 20 year old.

Manziel is the starting quarterback of a SEC football team. He won the Heisman trophy. He was an Internet sensation. He was a highlight factory churning out results at full capacity. He became, and remains a folk hero. And don’t for a second think he didn’t enjoy the rise to fame. And yet now he complains that he can’t just be a normal college student. And he’s surprised by this?

You cannot enjoy hanging out with Drake and then complain about your popularity. Normal people don’t drive Benz’s bought by their family’s oil money. They don’t have personal assistants (or business managers), they don’t play quarterback. I know he wishes he could have both. That he could play quarterback, destroy the SEC, be a first round pick and also enjoy North Gate one time without getting harassed.

Guess what? I wish that I was 6’3” with a jumper and some hops, but I’m not. I wish that my parents had enough money where I could travel the world and never get a job, but I can’t. I wish the Chief Operating Officer of my company didn’t have your nickname as his personalized license plate. 

We all wish for something. If he wants to be normal tell him to quit the football team and work at New York Deli. My best friend did that during his time at College Station and he’s pretty dang normal. You know what his nickname is? Josh, because nobody cares what he does on a day-to-day basis.

You might think I’m railing on Mr. Football and maybe I am. Remember, I'm from Baylor, hating A&M is in my blood. But before you write this off as Green and Gold infused hate, even I think RGIII, the Messiah from Waco, (and the only guy who has press conferences about having press conferences) enjoys the limelight too much.

I don’t care that Mr. Football has the spoils. He’s famous; he should enjoy the perks of what that brings. Most people would love to enjoy half the stuff he gets to do. I don’t even care if he accepted money for autographs. His name should make him money, not just the university. 

But spare me the “I just want to be normal BS” You don’t want to be normal, and that’s the point. He wants to eat his cake and have it to. Name one celebrity who doesn’t have their every move documented. You can’t – that’s what makes you a celebrity. I would kill to have to deal with some of his difficulties. He has to get an escort home from games (the travesty) people don’t leave him alone (the outrage) his every moved is scrutinized (how terrible). He could literally never work another day in his life and live comfortably

Mr. Football seems to get whatever he pleases. He’s never wanted a day in his life (neither have I, mind you). But I have been told things that tempered by ability to attain whatever I desired. I’ve heard words like “No”, phrases like “we can’t afford that” or “that’s not how things work”.  

So dear Mr. Football here’s my request for you. The choice is simple.

(1)  Live your life of luxury and excess. Leverage the benefits of your fame (probably fleeting because I doubt you’re a viable NFL quarterback). Party with NBA stars, get weird at the frat parties of rival schools. Troll national columnists on twitter, attend marquee-sporting events. Take what is given to you and run with it. You’re only a college student once, live it up. But realize that this comes with media coverage and scrutiny. Accept that normal for you is going to be wildly different than normal for the rest of society.

(2)  If this doesn’t sound like something you want to do then you should quit football and apply for a job at New York Deli. I know a certain somebody who would be a great reference.

It's Been a While....

So I haven’t updated the blog in a while, so it’s probably time I gave everyone a little bit of an update. I’ll break this down into categories so it’s easier to digest.

Job:

I got promoted. That’s right people; you can no longer refer to me as a pricing analyst. Friends, I am now a regional pricing coordinator. What does this mean, practically? Well now it takes even more time to tell people my title and to explain what it is I do…so that’s a win.

Vacation:

I went backpacking with some friends during “spring break.” We did a 4-night 30-mile trip through The Smoky Mountain National Park. Here are some highlights: It was cold, it was tiring, and it was wet. I fell in a river at one point, but overall it was awesome.

A few weeks ago I went to Colorado for business, and my little brother tagged along. During the day I worked and he slept. In the afternoon we would do something exciting (Pikes Peak, Garden of the Gods etc...). We were there for a week....we want to go back.

Social Life:

Nothing of note happened here….moving on.

Living Situation:

I moved. Same apartment complex different unit.  Got a roommate so naturally we got a 2 bedroom. I save money, I have a bigger place and I have someone who has to talk to me every day. A win-win in my book.

Free time:

I started the Game of Thrones series. I enjoy it, but I also spend large amounts of time with the realization that I probably bit off more than I can chew.


That's it and that's all folks.....

I got a couple of post ideas in the works, hopefully it doesn't take another 4 months to write again.

Get Stacked Bro

Ok, let’s go ahead and get this fact out of the way. I’m currently a member at LIFEtime Fitness and I spend hours each day at my gym. Now, I know that on the surface this seems to be a pretty outrageous bit of cockiness that (undeservedly) I have a reputation for consistently displaying. However, I make this statement not to boost my self-efficacy (believe me, it doesn’t need any assistance) or to impress you (although if you need a shirtless selfie of me in my bathroom let me know) but to establish a sense of authority.

I’m not an authority on how to increase your bench-press max, how to shed weight and lose inches or on what workout you should use to get ripped.  But I do have the ability to speak with authority on how freaking ridiculous people are at gyms.  I’m an expert at people watching while executing my favorite exercises.

People watching is not novel, new or limited to a gym. However, I would argue that no other arena offers the variety or quality of a local fitness club. You get a pretty broad sampling of all the socioeconomic variables in one single place. Furthermore, because only members are allowed it allows a sense of community, and the opportunity to consistently see the same people on a day-to-day basis.

I think It functions like a mini high school….specifically, we have:

The popular guys / Jocks - typically the biggest guys who grunt the loudest

The popular girls - consistently seen in mid length tights or Nike shorts (depending on the season), a neon sleeveless top w/ the sports bra showing and Nike frees.

The nerds - is that a collared shirt with too short athletic shorts and sketcher shape ups?

The others – just trying to blend in

In a macro sense the gym functions like a high school because on the surface everyone is there for some form of “self-benefit” but in reality everyone just wants to be noticed and for other people to think they’re cool.

If you follow me on twitter (@toddneece) you are probably aware that I regularly tweet about the people and situations I encounter at the gym. So, I thought….why not pool all of these observations in once place.

Let’s identifying the stereotypical people I encounter at the gym…

King of the Pre-workout – Typically a guy, typically a high school student and typically encountered in the locker room.  Usually this person is incredibly skinny, and yet incredibly well stocked with various proteins, pre-workouts, and un-identified powders and pills. In most cases they love to instigate conversations with you about their newest purchase, and how it’s going to add mass to their frame.  These powders and pills consistently have names that include some combination of the following words: Max, Ultra, Explode, X, or Mass.

iChat – This person is trying to fool you into thinking they are at the gym to get a sweat in, however don’t be gullible. They’re actually here to meet people platonic or otherwise. This person can be identified by his or her inability to go more than one set without striking up a 5-minute conversation with somebody. Incredibly this person always seems to be using the machine you were hoping to get to next.

Fashion Show – This person is typically a girl, but not always. Let’s put this  is in some sub categories:

• The Model – Hair done, make up on (including lipstick). Sweating is discouraged, flirting with any and all males, highly encouraged.
• The mannequin – Every aspect of your outfit is planned and color coordinated. Typically exemplified by those of the African American persuasion. Nike head to toe, shoes match the shirt, the shorts…and the Beats by Dre.

I’m parked at a meter – This person has to be somewhere in 30 minutes but still needs to get their workout in. They typically are seen running around like a mad man trying to do as many sets of as many lifts as possible in the afforded time frame.

Loud and Proud – Always a guy and always enormous, usually heard before they are seen.  He is identified by a distinctive grunt meant to attract attention to the fact that the bar is bending over his back as he does his squats. The noise is typically, loud, quick and has no semblance of a being a real word.

All bark no bite – Again usually a guy and usually small in stature. The guy at my gym who typifies this category is as follows.  Weighs about a buck fifty and seemingly has a seizure to complete each rep of his curls with 45lb dumbbells. I find that this generally occurs with younger guys who are trying to impress “the model” or the “loud and proud” groups.

Jelly Rolls – Outside of the gym some women find it necessary to compensate for a lack of looks or personality by showing an incredibly gross amount of their body. Unfortunately this misguided attempt for attention bleeds over into gym attire. A couple of thoughts:

1. Spandex is a privilege not a right.
2. If you’re over 30 let’s cool it with the sports bra with no shirt look.
3. If you have had more than 2 kids you probably just need to stick to sweats.

The Evil Queen – Although the name might suggest otherwise this is usually a male. After each set they take a quick second to flex into the mirror (mirror) to see some immediate results. This is usually accompanied by a nod of self-approval and inflation of self-confidence.

Obscure – This person has a personal pledge…it reads: “I solemnly swear that I will never (in good conscience) use the equipment as intended. Instead I will invent an incredibly complex lift using the said equipment incorrectly in an attempt to attract attention and accolades.

Locker Room Nightmare - Can't speak authoritatively about girls but as for the guys locker room... There is always a guy, usually old and always naked. And by naked I mean completely, and and completely unnecessary. I understand getting nude to get in and and out of the shower... that is normal. Standing in front of the mirror next to me, buck naked, blow drying your hair with your business resting on the counter?? That is a little much.

Groundhog Day – This person is wearing the same thing every time you see them at the gym. This doesn’t mean they always wear shorts and a shirt, it literally means they are wearing the same shirt and same shorts each day. I want to believe that these people love doing a daily load of laundry, I also want to believe that I still have a chance to date Rachel McAdams.

Concert - Blaring their music loud enough for half the gym to hear (typically rap... I mean what else do you workout to?) with singing and dancing in between sets.

The (un-official) Trainer - You don't want advice on how to do a lift, but that doesn't stop this person form giving you uneeded and unsoliscted instruction on how to a variation of curls.

Treadmill disasters - These folks get some sub categories:

• No need for a shower - Usually a geriatric, they like to walk at approximately 1.1 mph...sweating is an afterthought. Of course this always happens when every other treadmill is occupied. Of course they plan on walking throughout the entire episode of The Bold and the Beautiful so it could be a while...
• Multitasker - Cardio is not entertainment enough, they are either talking, texting or tweeting their way through the workout. I'm imaging they are doing neither well. If you have the ability to accurately hit the letters on you touch screen....it might be time up the intensity.

Enjoy your next workout folks...

Can I unfriend you in real life?

Haven't posted in 2 months, so here you go....

- As a somewhat interesting side note this was originally intended to be my first blog post. It got pushed back because, well there is no good reason. But anyhow enjoy - 

In no way shape or form could I be considered a social media expert. Part of this is due to age.  (Although I’m only 26, up till a month ago I was completely unaware that “following people” on Instagram was actually possible.) Part of this is choice. As a general rule, I try to avoid social media to a great extent. Self admittedly, I am completely and utterly addicted to Twitter. But besides that 140-character platform I consider myself relatively allergic to online interaction. I haven’t been active on Facebook in almost a year, and have no plans to change that stance. This is why it’s still strange to think that I would feel compelled to blog. I typically spend a lot of time mocking these kinds of things (and a whole lot in general actually). However, a blog offers me something that Twitter and Facebook do not, no character limit, and a more appropriate platform respectively. 

I distinctly remember my first social media experience. It was a random night in August 2005 the summer before my freshman year at Baylor. My randomly assigned roommate had emailed me to ask if I had set up a profile on Facebook. (This of course is a stupid question because he could have “looked me up” using the “search function”, but I digress) Apparently late to the party; I quickly googled Facebook and started creating a killer profile.

To be honest, I was unsure about the true purpose of this new website. However, I was positive that this was a way for me to meet all those Proverbs 31 women who currently called Baylor home. Like any good Christ follower, I quickly uploaded a picture of myself holding an underprivileged child from my most recent mission trip and established that as profile picture (I’ve heard the kids are now calling this a “defie”…short for default I presume??).

After confirming my conservative Southern Baptist roots with an “about me” filled with my favorite verses, and the Bible as my favorite piece of literature, I eagerly awaited for the opposite sex interaction to commence.

As the weeks progressed into my first semester at Baylor one thing became apparent. My Facebook was not attracting any talent. Unfortunately, it seemed that the women who frequented my page were focusing on getting their relationship with God right before starting any online dalliances. Without any coed attention I quickly grew frustrated.

It was during this “wall post drought” that a certain experience helped me realize how completely worthless social media can be. After sharing a rather sin less evening of board games in Collins dormitory with a group of females I rushed back to my dorm room to see if they had asked to be my friend on Facebook. As you would imagine, they hadn’t. A true crisis. Apparently my mix of overwhelming self-confidence, well placed sarcastic remarks, infallible scriptural knowledge and general aurora of superiority was not as potently intoxicating as it was in my old youth group. My always-reliable charisma had not even warranted a “friend invite”

In retrospect this was certainly a blessing in disguise. I quickly realized the error of my ways. I had used social media (Facebook basically) in the wrong manner. I was hoping to utilize Facebook to increase my ability to land some quality females. That is not what social media is for…

Unfortunately, I am not alone in my mistake, social media abuse is rampant. (And no I’m not talking about cyber bullying. Though that is a huge deal, my mom deals with it constantly…bullies these days, don’t even have the guts to do it in person #smh)

See it is my belief that each of us in one way or another has a meaningful relationship with someone who consistently abuses social media. Lucky for you I have established some characteristics.

1. In almost all other arenas you genuinely enjoy the person (they’re not perfect, but you can be around them for long periods of time with out contemplating murder.)
2. They fall under your definition of socially normal. (They don’t own a bunch of cats, they don’t collect their own belly button lint, and in general they follow standard social guidelines.)
3. You care about them.
4. They consistently abuse social media.

So how do you tell your friend that their social media etiquette needs some work? A face to face sit down? A well timed wall post? A twitter direct message? Easy, none of the above, de-friend and unfollow immediately, they haven't earned your attention.....that'll teach them.

The following are my favorite types of social media abusers (in no typical order) that I've noticed. Lucky for you I have added well-placed sarcastic comments…

Update or die – this person must always update their followers about the most trivial aspects of their lives. These are the same people who used “away messages on their AIM profile...this one has sub categories. - okay I might be somewhat guilty of one of these, but it's typically tongue in cheek...

• Workout Addict – “At the gym”, “gotta get my workout in” or if you’re lucky some version of “get my swole on”….oh so your going to the gym, Lord knows I was dying to hear about that. Please call me when you get home (or at least give me another post) I’m on the edge of my seat about how many sets of bench you did.

• Trivial or not – “cleaning my apartment,” “time to grocery shop” “getting my nails done”. Newsflash, no one cares.

Emotionally connected – Facebook, twitter, any type of social media is not your personal outlet to tell your deepest struggles. I love it when people put stuff like “I feel so alone right now” or “this day couldn’t get any worse” – umm…is telling people online really helpful? Is that random response to your post from someone you haven’t talked to in 5 months going to make a difference? Here’s an idea, talk to someone. One of these is so abundant it deserves a sub category…

• The break up – the best version of this is when people’s “relationship status’ change” of course someone immediately posts a comment like “sorry man” or “I’m here for you”. These slay me. Give them a call? Shoot them a text? Go to there house and see them? Talk to them when I see them next?...Nah I’ll put a post on their Facebook wall telling them I’m digitally there for them

Sports Updater – “Aggies lose again” or “24-17 Cowboys suck”….ESPN.com, SI.com, Yahoo sports who needs it? Why log on to sports websites or watch the games themselves when I can check Facebook and determine the outcome (with commentary) of any sports event

• Okay I’m guilty of this sometimes, I don’t update scores but I do tweet about sports….this is OK. writing “The Cowboys make me want to punch babies” is fine and completely understandable. Constantly giving scores is not

I’m electronically serious about the Lord – “Quite time with Lord…just what my heart needs” or “This passage spoke to me” (insert seriously indie filtered instagram of scripture). You’re seeking attention, and guess what…. last time I checked I’m not your accountability partner so stop letting me know about your quiet time.

BFFoFB (Best friend forever on Facebook) – This happens when girls (99% of the time) use facebook to announce to the world how much they like their friends… “Can’t wait for girls night w/ my bestie”. Why do I need to know about your impending social event? Why is it necessary to abbreviate best friend? Why do I always read this sentence in a way that it sounds like you’re 10 years old?... These make me gag. Once again sub categories.

•  Posts about physical appearance ”OMG you are so incredibly gorgeous in this picture….I’m jealous”
• Posts about wanting to spend time together “When do I get to see your beautiful little face again?”
• Posts about your feelings “I am obsessed with you”
• Usually combined w/ a lot of periods and or spelling mistakes “I.  Am. Seriously. Soooooooo. In wuv. W/ U.

Ideological Updaters – “Marriage is for man and woman, repost (or RT if twitter is your flavor) if you agree.” Sorry to burst your bubble but under no circumstances is your post going to make a difference. The people who follow you probably know what you stand for. And here’s a secret if they don’t agree with you your 140-character stance on the institution of marriage won’t change their mind.

•  In my mind blogging about serious stuff is okay. It’s a broader platform and allows an opportunity to fully articulate an idea. Facebook and Twitter are no-nos. 
• Also if you actively post on these ideological debates I hate you.

Political Debaters– especially relevant for 2012….”Obama won again, let’s secede”. This of course causes someone to post that they agree. This is quickly followed by someone else (of a different persuasion) to leave a post that soon escalates into a full on political debate. In my experience they’re filled with incorrect facts, overall ignorance and horrible grammar.

• Remember how ridiculous the political debates were this past year. Can you imagine if they tried to do that on by posting messages on the internet. This is basically what these people are trying to do, but without boasting about binders full of women