The Tipping Point

Let’s begin by stating the obvious, I’m not Malcolm Gladwell, he happens to be an infinitely greater writer and Canadian then I could ever strive to be.

In all seriousness if you haven’t read any of his work, stop reading this and order one of his books, they’re all phenomenal. One of Gladwell’s bestsellers is entitled The Tipping Point in which he claims that there is a “magic moment when an idea, trend, or social behavior crosses a threshold, tips, and spreads like wildfire”. For example in his introduction he recounts an anecdote where a type of shoe (hush puppies to be more specific) was fading into obscurity when a subset of individuals in Manhattan started purchasing the shoes and within months their popularity exploded.


My blog post is diametrically opposite in subject manner and quality. Society is full of examples of these “points” where trends explode, but I’m positive these same “points” exist in the death of trends. Examples were society becomes so saturated with a certain idea that the balloon literally bursts and the trend is sentenced to a quick death. For all the good he’s done, God in all of his infinite wisdom did not place me in charge of dolling out the death sentences for the fashions and movements that have overstayed their welcome. But luckily for you Yahweh is not in charge of this blogosphere, I am. And as the supreme ruler of this space I give to you a short list of ideas, trends and movements that I am doing my best to move toward and over a true tipping point into an everlasting abyss.

Let’s break these down into some broad categories

Clothes:

Neon everything

I get it, fashion is cyclical. What is “in style” will eventually fade into obscurity only to return to prominence decades later. Neon is no exception to this rule. I believe that within reason someone from the summer of 1992 could be brought to the future and fashion wise, would fit right in. 

Personally I was slow to adopt this new trend and am quickly becoming eager for its demise. There are times where I feel like a social pariah because I wore only grey blue or black to the gym. Seriously, it’s completely out of control. In reality, a little neon is fine. Wanna wear a neon tank top? Great. Feel like rocking some neon yoga pants? More power to you. But as we all learned in high school, adults ruin everything. Kinda like Kevin Hart

Just a little advice if you’re all in on the neon trend (especially if your college years are behind you). 1. Pace yourself 2. Don’t simultaneously wear different shades of the same neon color. 3. Not everything you own has to be neon 4. You probably look a little less than ½ as cool as you think you do.

Graphic shirts with sayings

This is a pretty specific trend, and is generally limited to Adidas, Under Armour and Nike. Quick history lesson, the pioneer for this trend (years ago) was And 1. With beauties like this...

Quick update, if you are in the mood for some current And 1 merchandise make your way to your local Wal-Mart’s sales rack. However the geniuses in Eugene decided to raise this trend from the dead, but now instead of good natured (albeit ridiculous) smack talk these shirt reek of sexual innuendo and tired clichés. I’ve found that If you need a shirt to tell people how awesome you are at athletics, you probably suck.

My personal favorite is this recent offering from Nike:

Whenever I see a teenager at my gym wearing this shirt I calmly walk up to him and begin to apologize for my inability to to not perspire over his swag. The teenager usually looks completely confused as I offer to explanation and continue walking….yeah I know, my life sounds awesome.

Media:

Post-Apocalyptic Media

In general the movie industry is a joke. Seriously, look at this summer’s line up of films. Hardly appetizing. But this lack of Hollywood quality is a well-documented trend. Accordingly the argument that Hollywood is seemingly out of ideas isn’t exactly novel. There is no greater example of this awful trend then Hollywood’s over reliance on post-apocalyptic films or television series. What is our fascination with this idea? I have zero interest in the post-apocalyptic universe.


Why on earth (pun intended) would I care what life is going to be like some natural disaster destroyed half the planet?

Are we interested in paying money to see what life could be like if we apes started running the show?

Seriously, how can we be tricked into being entertained by the thought of teenage girls leading revolts against overbearing governments?

I was under the impression that the Left Behind series had just about handled the rapture angle, but low and behold HBO has decided to make a extremely depressing series about it. 

And to top it off Nicholas Cage has decided that Kirk Cameron just wasn't convincing enough the first time around.... 

Zombies / Werewolves / Vampires

Can we all agree this has run its course? Now, I’m not against fantasy as a media genre. There resides a special place in my heart for Tyrion Lannister, Legolas, and Mad Eye Moody.

And the previously mentioned three fantasy series each contain elements of human like beasts, resurrected beings and blood thirsty folks with sharp teeth. But they aren’t the focus of the show. They don’t put these people in realistic settings. Who wants to go to high school with vampires? Who wants to run around in rural Georgia with zombies? Who wants to cheat on a vampire with a werewolf? Media is saturated with this idea.

Use some logic, if werewolves start popping out of the forest and shredding folks we will figure out a beneficial way to eradicate their habitat just like the Dodo. If the most famous ethnic group from Transylvania stages a mass migration to the US, some medical device company will create an insanely expensive metal collar (preferably neon colored) for all of us to wear. And finally, if the dead starting resurrecting from the grave we will do what Americans do best…. Discriminate.

Political correctness

I’m so tired of this trend. There is a certain amount of this that needs to happen. Obviously we can’t have everyone just saying anything they want at any time. Although it would create incredible opportunities for humor, society yearns for some semblance of order and a complete lack of PC result in chaos. Take for example this recent “Ice Bucket Challenge” for ALS. This is a silly stunt people do to raise awareness and money about a terrible disease, but of course this can’t be left alone. Instead of supporting this for what it is, people are upset that those participating in the challenge are wasting water while kids in Africa die of thirst. Being in public relations these days must be a nightmare. They probably spend half their day thinking of every possible way that their product or client could be placed in a negative light and trying to combat it. Trying to make everything perfect sounds exhausting, enough is enough. 

Combo:

Super hero media and clothes

This is a special category combining both media and clothes. I can’t be the only person that finds the majority of super heroes boring, right? In my mind there are two types of super heroes: 

1st are those that possess some “super human” physical ability, naturally inherited or otherwise given to them by any type of scientific experiment. Example: Flash’s ability to run fast. 2nd is when some person with normal physical ability takes a personal tragedy and with the help of his rather large inheritance starts regulating Gotham. 

By now the hierarchy should be clear. Batman is a super hero everyone else is garbage. I’m sorry; I don’t feel bad for Superman because he’s an outcast due to his super human strength. The dude basically won the genetic lottery and I’m supposed to pity him because some elementary kids are teasing him for being strong? Give me a break, if Superman came to earth today here’s what would happen. He’s arrives, people find out he’s incredibly strong, fast, agile etc… and he would immediately receive athletic scholarship offers from every college in the country. He would grace the cover of Sports Illustrated

and eventually sign an athletic deal with Under Armour (they already got the shirts made).

Finally he would probably get any girl he wanted, be insanely rich and save lives as a hobby….sounds awful. You know who the real super heroes are? Hold on and let me be politically correct real quick… The real heroes are Fireman, police, soldiers, teachers, doctors, nurses and everyone else who might in some way, shape, or form assist another human, or animal through their employment or volunteer efforts.

Unfortunately, when it comes to DC and Marvel, Hollywood and our appetite for their offerings cannot be satiated. We are constantly bombarded with the newest super hero show or movie. Some are surprisingly good (Guardians of the Galaxy most recently) but most are garbage (everything besides the Avengers). Unfortunately this phenomenon seemingly has no end. IMDB is filled with message boards about the most obscure DC comic possibly slated for a movie release in 2020…sigh….

I too love feeling nostalgia from childhood, but that doesn’t mean I want to wear socks with bunch of “S’s” on them or a T-shirt with the bat signal printed across the chest. Jerry Seinfeld and Dane Cook most eloquently touched on this phenomenon, but let me add my piece.

The following are rules for wearing Super Hero clothing. 

1. Is it Halloween? If the answer is yes then wear all the super hero stuff you want. If the answer is no, then calmly proceed to #2. 

2. Are you in elementary school? If yes, then you’re good to go. If the answer is no, then hopefully you kept the receipt for your inane purchase and should return it promptly.  

Dichotomy

Currently, I own a white 1997 F150 pickup. It’s basic in every sense of the word. It’s a 5 speed that boasts powerless locks, powerless windows and one un-inclinable bench seat.  The paint is fading in numerous places, the tint on the back window is failing and the stereo system could best be described as archaic. I absolutely love this truck.

Up till now the truck has been fantastic, no issues to speak of. Trucks (especially old ones) are great. They don’t need to be cleaned regularly, look good somewhat messy, and have a built in open faced garage some call “the bed”. However, recently this glorious vehicle’s impeccable veneer has begun to wane. The past few months have required numerous trips to my local mechanic (more on him in a sec). A failing clutch and an inability to start consistently, the main culprits. This is frustrating for two reasons. The first is the sinking suspicion that at some point in the not too distant future I’m going to have to purchase a new vehicle.  Secondly, and more problematically, it reveals an enormous flaw in my emerging sense of manhood. I know nothing and I mean nothing about motor vehicles and how they work.

Although I’m happy to shoulder some of this blame, in my defense, it’s not my fault. Growing up my Dad and my Step-Dad fulfilled two very important “male” stereotypes: sports knowledge and mechanical knowledge respectively. My Dad has some ability to discuss how to fix certain things, but is much more comfortable discussing the benefits of a Cover 2 over Man when attempting to stop a mobile quarterback. 

My Step-Dad is much the opposite, he knows the ins and outs of most sports but is better versed in the history of various engines than that of storied sports franchises.  Growing up in this dichotomy was beneficial, I learned about both, but naturally I gravitated towards sports. It should come as no surprise that I found participating in or watching sports on TV infinitely more exciting than trying to change the brakes on the family vehicle.

Unfortunately I have a sinking suspicion that perhaps I chose poorly. I’m well versed in all manners of the sports lexicon but am clueless about how vehicles actually work. My treasure chest of trivial sports knowledge is helpful on Sunday afternoons but useless 95% of the time. To complicate matters my opportunity to form a foundation of car maintenance competency has long since sailed away. This leaves me at the whim of asking others for help. I currently have two options: My family’s personal “pep boy” (AKA my Step Dad) or my local mechanic.

In my step dad’s defense he did his best to teach me and my brethren the basics of vehicle maintenance, sadly it didn’t take. Honestly, the guy deserves a medal. My brothers and I are full-grown and still call him at the earliest sign of car distress. He’s dropped his evening plans twice this past week to lend me (a 27 year old) a helping hand. It’s no secret he longs for me to move far enough away to make him completely unavailable for emergency car help. Part of the problem is the vast knowledge gap that exists between us. He’s operating on completely different plane. 

 Even his name speaks to his abnormal ability. Ironically his Christian name is Todd, but he’s more commonly known as “Tim” a nickname I gave him when he joined our family. At the time “Home Improvement” was a popular show, which prominently featured comical opportunities to fix stuff. 

Now fans of this show will point out that in the show “Tim” (Tim Allen) didn’t actually fix the issues, but instead, consistently created them. I admit, in reality, a more appropriate nickname would have been “Al”.  But that guy was a square, and I wasn’t going to give my new Step Dad a bush league moniker. His acumen isn’t just reserved for our family; this dude receives phone calls from my friends for help and even his peers consistently call for advice. 

When I do end up helping him fix my car we each have well defined roles that we execute flawlessly. He diagnosis the issue comes up with solution and proceeds to make it happen. I specialize in well-timed and topical sarcastic remarks and flawless flashlight operation.

Whenever I do have a problem the majority of our phone related phone calls operate along the following script, loosely based on the two most recent SOS calls.

Me: Hey, I’m having car trouble…..

Him: What’s the problem?

Me: My truck won’t start.

Him: Does it turn over?

Me: I don’t know what that means….

Him: (Sigh) does it almost start? Or does it just kind of do a “click, click, click” noise?

Me: Oh it does the almost starting thing. Like it gets 95% of the way but doesn’t make it.

Him: Ok, pop the hood and find your spark plugs.

Me: Umm, what do they look like??

Him: (Sigh) Todd, you need to learn these kinds of things…. (Another sigh, dripping with definite signs of frustration) Where are you??

Me: My apartment

Him: I’m on my way. See you in 15

Me: Sorry about that, thanks…

At this point he’s unintentionally made me feel completely emasculated and I start contemplating my manhood in general. Unfortunately, besides having a full time job and living 6 miles from my parents’ house, there’s not a whole lot pointing towards my ability to be self-sufficient. Sometimes I feel like I need to remind him of my worth by dropping a bloody bird carcass on his doorstep like a young Labrador.

If he can’t fix my car I take my car to my mechanic. He’s an uncouth man named Mike, who lives nearby, and runs an “auto shop” out of a detached garage at the back of his property. Now I can call him my mechanic because, well he is. Between my family and I we have taken 4 cars to his “shop”, and we don’t take them anywhere else. We trust him implicitly because he’s earned it. I’ll spare you the paragraph on the importance of finding a mechanic you can trust. Seinfeld and Putty did that well enough.

Back to Mike, I mentioned uncouth, and I don’t use that word lightly. He’s literally the most vulgar man I’ve ever been around. And since between my family and I, we’ve been to his shop about 15 times I’ve had plenty of interaction with him.

Mike has a short, slender build that even the most generous would hesitate to describe as athletic. His attire is consistent as his work. Unkept pepper colored hair with a 2-day-old beard and thin wire frame glasses. His pants and shirt (with or without sleeves) typically revolve around one pattern: camo.  He lives at the end of a one street neighborhood with a house and garage that sit on a one-acre lot. His house is plain and non descript, his garage / auto shop is obviously the main attraction of the property. It’s a metal rectangle the size of a two-car garage.  The left half of the inside looks like your typical mechanical shop. Tools big and small have their specific place lining the perimeter, and a large jack like apparatus is available to life vehicles off their wheels. The right half, provides more room for tools and cars, but really functions as a man cave. This includes a full size couch, projection screen with satellite television and a fridge full of beer. The decorations are modest and extremely country, fishing poles and various taxidermy animals.

To acquire Mike the Mechanic’s services you must set an appointment. It’s simple, you call Mike and ask if he is available to work on your vehicle. Typically his answer is yes, on more than one occasion his answer has been no. This is because Mike is in the weeds, not in the “really busy” sense of the word, but literally because he’s probably standing in weeds. Mike likes to go fishing, and to hunt, if he has to miss business, well that a sacrifice he’s willing to make.

The fist time I met Mike I approached him intent on describing the issue with my truck. Instead he started the conversation by casually mentioning to me that he was currently considering murdering his wife. Apparently she made him watch  “"Three's Company"” before bed, even though she knows he hates it. No worries though, I have seen his wife multiple times since that first encounter so I can happily report that his death threat was not fulfilled.

On my most recent call to Mike I was stranded at my local Kroger. I called Mike and asked him if he could give me a tip to help me get my truck started. I was expecting some solid mechanic advice. Instead, he told me to get a wrench and bang on the bottom of my gas tank really hard. So I climbed out of the cab, slid under by truck and proceeded to play “whack a mole” with what I believe is the bottom of my gas tank. Of course the truck didn’t start, but I did successfully get every person in the Kroger parking lot to stare at me. To top things off I was able to temporarily fix the issue when I received assistance from a middle aged lady. What's awesome about Mike is that he too has the ability to make me feel completely inadequate.

No worries though. I called Tim and when he arrived, he diagnosed the root of issue within 30 seconds, crisis averted. I had absolutely no oil. My response: A sly grin, shoulder shrug and a pretty meek….”whoops?”

One of these days I’m hoping that my years of acquiring sports knowledge will pay off. I like to imagine that I’ll happen upon a damsel in “sports distress” that is in desperate need of my expertise. Let’s get real though, that’s not going to happen. No worries I have a “plan B” too. Instead of being the damsel in “car distress” I'll be in the position to assist. I'll proceed to ask her if she needs help and promptly give Tim a call….  

Mr. Football

An extremely biased look at Mr.Jonathan (Johnny F’ing Football) Manziel the most over-hyped over-discussed story on ESPN since its inception. Or…. maybe since Brett Favre retired, and then un-retired, then retired again. At which point Tim Tebow’s college career literally controlled the media. This seemed insane until the Broncos drafted him. At which point the media was captivated by his ability start the last half of the 2011 season and win a playoff game. This of course was a huge deal till he was traded to the Jets as a special teamer and never saw the field. So in a perverse and twisted sense, maybe I’m glad that ESPN is obsessed with Johnny Football like a preteen female with One Direction. But in reality I’m not… in fact I cannot stand him.

Some famous philosopher once asserted that pure objectivity is impossible because every person brings feelings, ideas, memories, experiences etc. to the table. They form a prism, which distorts ones view on a subject. I happen to buy into this certain philosopher’s theory and in the case of my views on Manziel it could not be truer.

Growing up in Texas the vast majority (98% approximately) of young boys are fans of one of two teams: The University of Texas Longhorns or Texas A&M Aggies.

Of course some exceptions do exist. Some children are bastards of the north, transplanted in God’s country by their parents. These souls, rescued from the purgatory of the Midwest landscape might root for garbage like Ohio St, Michigan or some other Big Ten trash. A certain subset of this group is reserved for those who recognized how awful Oklahoma is, crossed the Red River and poisoned our state with their Okie allegiances.

On rare occasions a different Texas team might have a banner year and gain a “one-season” following. Texas Tech experienced this a few years ago. (Not many Tech #15 jerseys around anymore are there?). These “fair-weathered” fans are like puppy love. They are fleeting and typically infirm the young.

Finally a small group has parents who went to a school not located in Austin or College Station resulting in their kids being baptized into fandom of their alma mater by birth. These zealots are usually under the impression that their school will eventually be on par with the big boys. And although every once in a while our bell weather schools have downtrodden periods, these stepchildren universities of our great state usually remain second rate.

If one does not fall into any of these exceptions then they typically pull for one of these two schools. It’s only natural. For a growing sports fan their siren’s song of visibility, relative success, and abundance of fans is tough to resist. Now, I’m not saying that 98% of all children grow up and bleed either burnt orange or maroon, because that is not the case. But, I am saying that 98% of all children grow up at least preferring one of the two. I fall into this camp. Since birth I have preferred the university from Austin to that in College Station. This has given me a predisposition of distaste for everything related to Aggieland. To top it off I am lucky to be a graduate of Baylor University. ICYMI People at Baylor hate Texas A&M. It’s actually scary how much my fellow Bears detest everything associated with the Aggies. I’m not actually sure why this hatred runs so deep, but it does. Regardless, the hatred is palpable and my decision to receive a diploma from Jesus’ favorite University further allowed A&M hatred to saturate my consciousness….But back to the point

It should come as no surprise then that I absolutely cannot stand Johnny Football. It’s elementary really, in my opinion, everything about him is awful. Let’s break it down.

First, his name: Johnny Football or more accurately “Johnny F’n Football”. Apparently this name spawned from his high school exploits in Kerrville Texas. In related news, those in charge of assigning nicknames in Kerrville are devoid of creativity and the ability to generate G rated ideas. Maybe the problem was that I heard the name Johnny Football before I saw highlights of Johnny Football. I immediately hated the moniker and the fact that people constantly used it. ESPN shoulders much of this blame. They have the ability to latch onto a popular nickname and live off it like a leech. Jonathan Manziel didn’t stand a chance.

Second is his ability. Let’s get real; Manziel is a talented football player. Denying that is burying your head in the sand. Watching him kill the Sooners in the Cotton Bowl it was abundantly clear. He was better, and faster than anybody on the OU defense. He’s talented, but he’s overrated, he's a great college quarterback, but there are serious doubts about his NFL potential. He plays in a power football conference who wasn't used to a jitterbug QB. Don't believe me?  I'll give you 30 seconds to name one great quarterback from the SEC who's surname isn't Manning..... and time is up, you failed. Which brings me to a cross roads about the following paragraph….

(1) Write one full of information and statistics that proved my dedication to trivial sports knowledge and inability to craft a meaningful life.

(2)  Write a paragraph based solely on opinion.

What’s that?? You want option # 2….glad we could agree!!!

The dude won the Heisman partly because nobody else in college football was worth it last year. The other serious contenders were (1) AJ McCarron, who is most famous for an old geezer hitting on his girlfriend. (2) Manti Te’o who’s most famous for having a fake girlfriend, and (3) Collin Klein who apparently never kissed his girlfriend.

But who cares….

The main reason Johnny Football makes me want to punch babies is because he has the inability to choose. He speaks out of both sides of his mouth, and his life choices echo this stance (or lack thereof)

Johnny Football wants to leverage the spoils of his glory and fame when it benefits him and yet requests understanding because he’s frustrated that he’s treated differently. This past summer was a continual slideshow of his lavish party boy lifestyle. 

Floor seats at NBA Finals games, 

shooting music videos with hismodel girlfriend, 

pictures of him at a casino flashing money. 

Yet at the same time he bemoans his inability to live what he calls a “typical collegiate lifestyle” Repeatedly Manziel has stated that he is only 20 years old, and wants to do what a normal 20 year old would do. But that’s just it, he’s not normal by any stretch of the imagination. Not even close.

I was 20 once (7 years ago to be exact) and although that certainly feels like a lifetime ago I assure you I can remember it clearly. I was sophomore in college. I went to school for 15 hours a week, I worked for 15 hours a week and I found time to study, play basketball and hang with friends in between. Pretty typical. I was able to go out whenever I pleased, I was able to walk on campus without getting harassed, nobody took photos of me and I was never asked for my autograph. I was (and am) anonymous. 99.99% of my campus had no idea who I was. This is the life of a normal 20 year old.

Manziel is the starting quarterback of a SEC football team. He won the Heisman trophy. He was an Internet sensation. He was a highlight factory churning out results at full capacity. He became, and remains a folk hero. And don’t for a second think he didn’t enjoy the rise to fame. And yet now he complains that he can’t just be a normal college student. And he’s surprised by this?

You cannot enjoy hanging out with Drake and then complain about your popularity. Normal people don’t drive Benz’s bought by their family’s oil money. They don’t have personal assistants (or business managers), they don’t play quarterback. I know he wishes he could have both. That he could play quarterback, destroy the SEC, be a first round pick and also enjoy North Gate one time without getting harassed.

Guess what? I wish that I was 6’3” with a jumper and some hops, but I’m not. I wish that my parents had enough money where I could travel the world and never get a job, but I can’t. I wish the Chief Operating Officer of my company didn’t have your nickname as his personalized license plate. 

We all wish for something. If he wants to be normal tell him to quit the football team and work at New York Deli. My best friend did that during his time at College Station and he’s pretty dang normal. You know what his nickname is? Josh, because nobody cares what he does on a day-to-day basis.

You might think I’m railing on Mr. Football and maybe I am. Remember, I'm from Baylor, hating A&M is in my blood. But before you write this off as Green and Gold infused hate, even I think RGIII, the Messiah from Waco, (and the only guy who has press conferences about having press conferences) enjoys the limelight too much.

I don’t care that Mr. Football has the spoils. He’s famous; he should enjoy the perks of what that brings. Most people would love to enjoy half the stuff he gets to do. I don’t even care if he accepted money for autographs. His name should make him money, not just the university. 

But spare me the “I just want to be normal BS” You don’t want to be normal, and that’s the point. He wants to eat his cake and have it to. Name one celebrity who doesn’t have their every move documented. You can’t – that’s what makes you a celebrity. I would kill to have to deal with some of his difficulties. He has to get an escort home from games (the travesty) people don’t leave him alone (the outrage) his every moved is scrutinized (how terrible). He could literally never work another day in his life and live comfortably

Mr. Football seems to get whatever he pleases. He’s never wanted a day in his life (neither have I, mind you). But I have been told things that tempered by ability to attain whatever I desired. I’ve heard words like “No”, phrases like “we can’t afford that” or “that’s not how things work”.  

So dear Mr. Football here’s my request for you. The choice is simple.

(1)  Live your life of luxury and excess. Leverage the benefits of your fame (probably fleeting because I doubt you’re a viable NFL quarterback). Party with NBA stars, get weird at the frat parties of rival schools. Troll national columnists on twitter, attend marquee-sporting events. Take what is given to you and run with it. You’re only a college student once, live it up. But realize that this comes with media coverage and scrutiny. Accept that normal for you is going to be wildly different than normal for the rest of society.

(2)  If this doesn’t sound like something you want to do then you should quit football and apply for a job at New York Deli. I know a certain somebody who would be a great reference.

It's Been a While....

So I haven’t updated the blog in a while, so it’s probably time I gave everyone a little bit of an update. I’ll break this down into categories so it’s easier to digest.

Job:

I got promoted. That’s right people; you can no longer refer to me as a pricing analyst. Friends, I am now a regional pricing coordinator. What does this mean, practically? Well now it takes even more time to tell people my title and to explain what it is I do…so that’s a win.

Vacation:

I went backpacking with some friends during “spring break.” We did a 4-night 30-mile trip through The Smoky Mountain National Park. Here are some highlights: It was cold, it was tiring, and it was wet. I fell in a river at one point, but overall it was awesome.

A few weeks ago I went to Colorado for business, and my little brother tagged along. During the day I worked and he slept. In the afternoon we would do something exciting (Pikes Peak, Garden of the Gods etc...). We were there for a week....we want to go back.

Social Life:

Nothing of note happened here….moving on.

Living Situation:

I moved. Same apartment complex different unit.  Got a roommate so naturally we got a 2 bedroom. I save money, I have a bigger place and I have someone who has to talk to me every day. A win-win in my book.

Free time:

I started the Game of Thrones series. I enjoy it, but I also spend large amounts of time with the realization that I probably bit off more than I can chew.


That's it and that's all folks.....

I got a couple of post ideas in the works, hopefully it doesn't take another 4 months to write again.

Get Stacked Bro

Ok, let’s go ahead and get this fact out of the way. I’m currently a member at LIFEtime Fitness and I spend hours each day at my gym. Now, I know that on the surface this seems to be a pretty outrageous bit of cockiness that (undeservedly) I have a reputation for consistently displaying. However, I make this statement not to boost my self-efficacy (believe me, it doesn’t need any assistance) or to impress you (although if you need a shirtless selfie of me in my bathroom let me know) but to establish a sense of authority.

I’m not an authority on how to increase your bench-press max, how to shed weight and lose inches or on what workout you should use to get ripped.  But I do have the ability to speak with authority on how freaking ridiculous people are at gyms.  I’m an expert at people watching while executing my favorite exercises.

People watching is not novel, new or limited to a gym. However, I would argue that no other arena offers the variety or quality of a local fitness club. You get a pretty broad sampling of all the socioeconomic variables in one single place. Furthermore, because only members are allowed it allows a sense of community, and the opportunity to consistently see the same people on a day-to-day basis.

I think It functions like a mini high school….specifically, we have:

The popular guys / Jocks - typically the biggest guys who grunt the loudest

The popular girls - consistently seen in mid length tights or Nike shorts (depending on the season), a neon sleeveless top w/ the sports bra showing and Nike frees.

The nerds - is that a collared shirt with too short athletic shorts and sketcher shape ups?

The others – just trying to blend in

In a macro sense the gym functions like a high school because on the surface everyone is there for some form of “self-benefit” but in reality everyone just wants to be noticed and for other people to think they’re cool.

If you follow me on twitter (@toddneece) you are probably aware that I regularly tweet about the people and situations I encounter at the gym. So, I thought….why not pool all of these observations in once place.

Let’s identifying the stereotypical people I encounter at the gym…

King of the Pre-workout – Typically a guy, typically a high school student and typically encountered in the locker room.  Usually this person is incredibly skinny, and yet incredibly well stocked with various proteins, pre-workouts, and un-identified powders and pills. In most cases they love to instigate conversations with you about their newest purchase, and how it’s going to add mass to their frame.  These powders and pills consistently have names that include some combination of the following words: Max, Ultra, Explode, X, or Mass.

iChat – This person is trying to fool you into thinking they are at the gym to get a sweat in, however don’t be gullible. They’re actually here to meet people platonic or otherwise. This person can be identified by his or her inability to go more than one set without striking up a 5-minute conversation with somebody. Incredibly this person always seems to be using the machine you were hoping to get to next.

Fashion Show – This person is typically a girl, but not always. Let’s put this  is in some sub categories:

• The Model – Hair done, make up on (including lipstick). Sweating is discouraged, flirting with any and all males, highly encouraged.
• The mannequin – Every aspect of your outfit is planned and color coordinated. Typically exemplified by those of the African American persuasion. Nike head to toe, shoes match the shirt, the shorts…and the Beats by Dre.

I’m parked at a meter – This person has to be somewhere in 30 minutes but still needs to get their workout in. They typically are seen running around like a mad man trying to do as many sets of as many lifts as possible in the afforded time frame.

Loud and Proud – Always a guy and always enormous, usually heard before they are seen.  He is identified by a distinctive grunt meant to attract attention to the fact that the bar is bending over his back as he does his squats. The noise is typically, loud, quick and has no semblance of a being a real word.

All bark no bite – Again usually a guy and usually small in stature. The guy at my gym who typifies this category is as follows.  Weighs about a buck fifty and seemingly has a seizure to complete each rep of his curls with 45lb dumbbells. I find that this generally occurs with younger guys who are trying to impress “the model” or the “loud and proud” groups.

Jelly Rolls – Outside of the gym some women find it necessary to compensate for a lack of looks or personality by showing an incredibly gross amount of their body. Unfortunately this misguided attempt for attention bleeds over into gym attire. A couple of thoughts:

1. Spandex is a privilege not a right.
2. If you’re over 30 let’s cool it with the sports bra with no shirt look.
3. If you have had more than 2 kids you probably just need to stick to sweats.

The Evil Queen – Although the name might suggest otherwise this is usually a male. After each set they take a quick second to flex into the mirror (mirror) to see some immediate results. This is usually accompanied by a nod of self-approval and inflation of self-confidence.

Obscure – This person has a personal pledge…it reads: “I solemnly swear that I will never (in good conscience) use the equipment as intended. Instead I will invent an incredibly complex lift using the said equipment incorrectly in an attempt to attract attention and accolades.

Locker Room Nightmare - Can't speak authoritatively about girls but as for the guys locker room... There is always a guy, usually old and always naked. And by naked I mean completely, and and completely unnecessary. I understand getting nude to get in and and out of the shower... that is normal. Standing in front of the mirror next to me, buck naked, blow drying your hair with your business resting on the counter?? That is a little much.

Groundhog Day – This person is wearing the same thing every time you see them at the gym. This doesn’t mean they always wear shorts and a shirt, it literally means they are wearing the same shirt and same shorts each day. I want to believe that these people love doing a daily load of laundry, I also want to believe that I still have a chance to date Rachel McAdams.

Concert - Blaring their music loud enough for half the gym to hear (typically rap... I mean what else do you workout to?) with singing and dancing in between sets.

The (un-official) Trainer - You don't want advice on how to do a lift, but that doesn't stop this person form giving you uneeded and unsoliscted instruction on how to a variation of curls.

Treadmill disasters - These folks get some sub categories:

• No need for a shower - Usually a geriatric, they like to walk at approximately 1.1 mph...sweating is an afterthought. Of course this always happens when every other treadmill is occupied. Of course they plan on walking throughout the entire episode of The Bold and the Beautiful so it could be a while...
• Multitasker - Cardio is not entertainment enough, they are either talking, texting or tweeting their way through the workout. I'm imaging they are doing neither well. If you have the ability to accurately hit the letters on you touch screen....it might be time up the intensity.

Enjoy your next workout folks...